


Peace of Mind

by jongnugget



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: 1930s, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Asylum, Historical, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Romance, just please read the warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-17 08:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16512593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jongnugget/pseuds/jongnugget
Summary: "You're different from the others. The others...they hurt us. They think the pain will drive the madness away."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It was originally supposed to be a oneshot, but since it got a bit out of hand, I decided to post it in two parts~
> 
> WARNING: This entire story revolves around mental illnesses and especially how they were handled back in the day (hint: not nicely). If you are sensitive to such content, then please proceed at your own risk. I don't want anybody to read something they're not comfortable with. 
> 
> ALSO: I am not a doctor. I did extensive research on the topics I wrote about, but no matter how much I have read about it I still do not claim anything I wrote is actually accurate. Also, keep in mind that this is merely fiction. Some of the things I wrote might not actually even be possible. 
> 
> The story is set in the 1930s. 
> 
> Read in PORTUGUESE  [ here ](https://www.wattpad.com/story/197269232?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=SOODELIGHT&wp_originator=CHCVweJKcu%2F6%2BcGhnomWZ0JPQ9BOOi1tBsabJLrV2YIPJYZ4%2BInLc9vwtrjaxFRg%2FJefxGov3w5WwCsQO7ild%2Bsjy6DI9eNMPpMjgeLteB2HfKNkFtTbWsAEtTf63KUX&_branch_match_id=616203426643709986) ! :)  
>  (translation by soodelight)

The sky was bright with the first rays of the morning sun.

The building was quite impressive. Stone stairs, owl statues on the sides, beautiful and heavy-looking double front doors, long wings that looked endless from this angle. The beautiful hues of the sunbreak made it look even dreamier. It looked like a place out of a fairy tale.

With the sun’s soft light the day started and this place, too, woke up.

With the sun’s soft light _Kyungsoo’s_ day started, as he took in a deep breath.

The vehicle rumbled down the long stretch of driveway and elegantly stopped outside St. Martin’s entrance. A man in a white coat stepped forward to open the door and Kyungsoo, after giving an appreciative nod to the driver, emerged from the car, holding his briefcase tightly.

“You must be Doctor Do,” the man said with a welcoming smile. A hand was stretched out instantly for Kyungsoo to shake. “My name is Jongdae, sir. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.” Kyungsoo replied, taking one last look at the breath-taking sight of the exterior, before Jongdae pushed the doors open and let him step inside.

“Doctor Kim apologizes that he isn’t here to personally welcome you on your first day. I hope you do not mind that I’ll be the one showing you around.”

“Oh, not at all. Don’t worry about that.”

“Great,” Jongdae smiled kindly again, and then raised his hand forward. Only now did Kyungsoo take note of the hall – all white.

White floors, white walls, white coats.

Everything was white.

“This is the reception,” Jongdae explained. “You have to check-in every day when you come to work and when you leave. In case you ever need any records on the patients or anything from the archives you can ask the ladies and they’ll help you find everything necessary.”

Kyungsoo bowed his head lightly towards the women who smiled at him from behind the large desk.

“Follow me, sir.” Jongdae said as he turned to the left and started walking down the hallway. “All the offices are here, including yours.”

Kyungsoo looked at the doors. At the endless corridor with the endless doors.

Each door had a silver plate with an engraved number and name on it. His eyes scanned as many as he could while Jongdae kept leading him forward.

“The attendants’ break room is at the end of the hallway, so if you ever need me or help from any of the nurses, you can find us there. The doctors’ break room is right across the hall. The two meeting rooms are also there.” Jongdae pointed his finger towards the end of the hallway, before stopping in his tracks and giving Kyungsoo yet another smile. “And here we are, sir. Your office.”

Kyungsoo felt excitement filling up his body as he looked towards the door.

_12\. Do Kyungsoo._

Newly engraved on a silver plate, shining brightly and making the edges of Kyungsoo’s lips raise in a smile he couldn’t contain. His office.

Jongdae produced the keys out of his coat’s pocket, a shining little thing that now belonged to Kyungsoo.

“It’s not really much, but it is your own little place and trust me, you’re gonna be needing some personal space after working here for a while.” Jongdae shrugged while Kyungsoo pushed the door open. “You can decorate it in any way you want. You can also bring in extra furniture, as long as it’s sanitary, of course.”

There was a desk, and a comfortable looking chair behind it. There was an empty cupboard to the side and an old couch at the corner.

Jongdae was right. It wasn’t much.

But it wasn’t anything a few decorations couldn’t fix. Maybe he could change that couch with a newer one. Maybe he could bring in some pictures to liven up the place.

It wasn’t much, but the large window behind the desk filling the room with he sunlight compensated for it all. It made the room look larger, it made it seem newer.

He left his briefcase on the desk – on _his_ desk – and moved over to the window.

He could see the backyard of the institution – a little park with narrow alleys for the patients and doctors to walk on. There were trees and flowers, and there was a little fountain far back. Kyungsoo smiles. It was a pretty view.

“It’s great,” Kyungsoo said genuinely, earning himself yet another smile from the attendant who was standing by the door.

“There’s a white lab coat in the cupboard, as well as a new set of equipment you will be needing from now on. A stethoscope, a penlight, thermometers. Stuff like that.”

Kyungsoo pulled out the new white coat and smiled at it briefly before he shimmied his hands out of the brown one he was wearing and got ready for his first day at work.

“All ready.” Kyungsoo smiled up to Jongdae, who returned the smile kindly and opened the door again.

“After you, sir.”

Kyungsoo escaped the room, promptly locking the door and then dropping the key in the lab coat’s pocket.

“Toilets for the staff are down the hallway.” Jongdae waved his hand back, before heading back towards the reception. “The first floor of the left wing, the hallway on the other side of the reception, that’s where all the initial check-up rooms are, where we check the general condition of the patients. Down the hallway are the laboratories as well as the storage rooms.”

“What about the patient units?”

Jongdae smiled at him before jerking his head towards the stairs.

“There’s an elevator by the reception, but we mostly use it for moving patients between the floors.”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Elevator. That was quite rare, still. No matter how prestigious of an institution, he was surprised to hear there was so much as an elevator.

He nodded however, soaking up all the information and paying attention to every single detail – the large windows by the hallway, the way they narrowed down immediately once they reached the second floor.

It looked vastly different from the first one. There was no reception here, there were just two large doors on either side towards the hallways.

Jongdae clapped his hands together.

“The second and the third floor are pretty much identical, except here we have halls with multiple beds in them and the third floor is with rooms housing two to three patients. To the right is the general ward. The patients are divided in several halls. They’re all there. And to the right,” Jongdae pointed towards the other double door. “Are the treatment halls and rooms.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes lingered on the door, before he followed after Jongdae up the stairs.

“What kind of treatment halls and rooms?”

“Second floor’s got the halls for music and dancing therapy. At the end of the hallway there’s a storage for the supplies. Many patients find drawing to be quite…amusing.” Jongdae explained briefly, before pointing towards the left hallway of the third floor, once again hidden behind double doors. “Third floor’s got the art therapy hall, several operating rooms, as well as the halls for hydrotherapy.”

Kyungsoo nodded once again in understanding, biting on his lower lip as he quickly diverted his gaze from the door and continued walking after Jongdae up the stairs. They walked in silence until the reached the end of the staircase.

“This is the last floor.” Jongdae said. The place looked like the last two floors, except Jongdae wasn’t smiling anymore. “What can I say…the crazy grows with each floor. The previous two were the general wards, but this-…this is where we keep the seriously ill ones. The real hard cases. Each of them has a private room. They’re all locked and are to be treated, fed and tended to at a strict schedule. The files for each patient are hanging at the front of their door, should you ever need them.”

There was a small moment of silence, before Jongdae cleared his throat.

“You do know this already, doctor, but I still have to warn you that some of these patients can get quite aggressive and tend to be really violent at times. I advise caution.”

“Oh,” was all Kyungsoo managed to mumble. He raised his eyes to the other door. “What about the other hallway?”

He almost missed the way Jongdae’s smile became quite tight lipped.

“Padded rooms, sir, as well as all the rooms for electro convulsive therapy.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes lingered on the door and he felt like he was in a trance. There was a weird sense of chaos within him, before he heard Jongdae’s quiet and cheerful chuckle that resounded in the hall and down the staircase.

“But it’s only your first day here, Doctor Do. Don’t you worry about this floor. Doctor Kim has instructed me to show you around the general ward. That’s where you will be starting.”

Kyungsoo’s tongue ran over his dry lips, as he nodded and headed down the stairs after a cheerful and very helpful Jongdae.

He couldn’t stop his eyes from turning towards the locked doors of the fourth floor, until they were out of his sight and he finally let out a breath.

He shook his head, trying to focus on what Jongdae was saying about the total amount of patients while following him down back to the second floor. He reached out to touch the white wall.

It felt kind of surreal, really.

After all these years in medical school, after all these years studying and improving his knowledge day by day he was finally here – with a diploma and the burning will to help people.

Doctor Do.

He halted by one of the windows at the staircase and looked towards the backyard with the alleys and the fountain.

This place, it was something new to him, yet something he had been preparing for during the last seven years. It felt foreign, yet it felt like he had been here thousands of times.

He drummed his fingers lightly against the window’s glass.

St. Martin’s Insane Asylum.

“Doctor Do?” Jongdae had stopped at the base of the staircase. “Are you coming?”

“Yes, sorry.”

Kyungsoo threw one look out the window, before pushing himself away from the wall.

 _Definitely_ something new.

* * *

The light flashed and the pupil constricted immediately.

Kyungsoo let out a breath, as he straightened up and shoved the pen light back in his doctor coat’s front pocket. A quick look towards the pad had him pursing his lips in a tight line.

He looked down at the unconscious patient, then up to the attendant that had brought him here.

“He’s fine. Stop the morphine.”

“But Doctor, if we stop the morphine-“

“He’s taking other medications too. In combination with morphine they’ve caused sedation. He didn’t faint. He’s sedated, in a way.” Kyungsoo handed the pad over to the attendant. “Considering the doses he’s been taking, I assume he would wake up by tonight. Bring him back here in one week and we’ll see how he’s doing.”

“Alright, sir.”

Kyungsoo gave a quick smile to the attendant, before rounding the table and pushing the door open.

He had only been here for a couple of days, but this was not the first case like this. Some of the patients were getting drugged. Some intentionally, some not.

He breathed out again, throwing a quick look at his wrist watch. He still had some time before lunch break.

He headed towards the right wing and the endless corridor of offices. His feet landed him in front of the very first one. The silver plate was slightly worn out, unlike his brand new, shiny one.

_1\. Kim Junmyeon._

Kyungsoo hesitantly breathed out before raising a hand to knock on the door. A reply reached him almost instantly, a muffled _‘come in’_ from inside the office.

“Ah! Doctor Do!” the head doctor exclaimed when he saw Kyungsoo entering his office warily. He smiled brightly, as he stood up from his chair to greet him. “Come on in, come on in. What brings you here?”

Kyungsoo took note of the documents scattered on the desk.

“I hope I’m not interrupting something, sir.”

“Nonsense,” the other doctor smiled again, hand gesturing towards the chairs. “Please, have a seat. How may I help you?”

“Well,” Kyungsoo started out hesitantly. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak up about this, if he had the right to. He had just started working here, after all. “It has come to my attention, sir, that a lot of the prescribed drugs are in quantities way higher than necessary.”

“None in dangerous quantities, though.”

Kyungsoo blinked towards the doctor on the other side of the large desk. Did he not find that as alarming as he did?

“I am afraid I do not understand, sir.” Kyungsoo eyebrow twitched. “Some of the drugs, even in higher quantities, aren’t dangerous at all. However, there are patients who take multiple drugs.”

“Yes?”

Kyungsoo almost frowned. He did not understand why the other doctor seemed so unfazed.

“The nurses and attendants get scared when they find unconscious bodies lying around in the general ward, sir. Just two days ago they brought in a patient who had difficulties breathing, a new symptom caused by the drugs’ side effects.”

“I am impressed, Doctor Do.” The other man said, leaning forward on the desk. “Most new recruits don’t have the guts to share their opinions. They’re mostly too afraid to not lose their position and just keep quiet and follow orders blindly. With doctors like this, the patients in this facility would not get better.”

Kyungsoo shifted in his seat as he watched Dr. Kim stand up again and pace all the way to the wide window facing the gardens.

“St. Martin’s is not like the rest of the institutions of its likes, Doctor Do. It’s not a place where just anybody could be admitted. We are a prestigious hospital, we try to tend to our patients in a humane way.” Dr. Kim was saying, gaze trained on the gardens and hands brought together behind his back. “Unlike those other institutions, we don’t have an overwhelming amount of patients. We do not use the drugs to sedate patients just so the staff could catch a break. We use the drugs when it is absolutely necessary.”

“The patient brought to me today had dementia. Why had he been prescribed morphine?”

Dr. Kim smiled by the window, turning towards the desk again.

“People with dementia may sometimes behave in a way that is verbally or physically aggressive. Especially in its later stages, the patients may start harming other patients or the caretakers. Or worse, themselves. You know that already, Doctor Do, and you see, in those cases the sedation is necessary. For their own safety.” 

“If sedation is absolutely necessary, then probably those patients shouldn’t be housed in the general ward.” 

Dr. Kim’s smile became kind of colder and his eyes looked kind of empty, when he shook his head.

“Are you implying that they should be moved up, Doctor Do?”

“If they pose a threat to themselves and to others, then yes.” Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows. “Wouldn’t it be better to keep them contained, but awake?”

Doctor Kim walked around the desk and Kyungsoo almost flinched at the hand on his shoulder. He felt a light squeeze.

“Trust me, Kyungsoo…they do not belong on the fourth floor.”

Kyungsoo felt his eyebrows furrowing. He had quite a lot to say, he was ready to argue, but something in the other doctor’s gaze while talking about the fourth floor made him reconsider. He did not know anything about the patients on the fourth floor.

He didn’t know anything about their conditions, he didn’t know anything about their behaviour.

He only knew unauthorized access was strictly prohibited. Maybe there were more reasons to it than he had initially thought.

Doctor Kim’s breathy and hearty chuckle and a light pat on his back drew him out of his thoughts.

“It is almost lunch break. Care to join me for a bite, Doctor Do?”

Kyungsoo almost felt like he didn’t have a choice, but he also didn’t quite mind.

He found himself nodding.

“Great. Me and the others will meet in front of the gates in ten minutes. Go get changed, we will wait for you.”

Kyungsoo smiled awkwardly, before leaving the office with a heavy sigh.

He had ten minutes to get changed and find the attendant from before and tell them to continue the morphine treatment, despite what he had said earlier.

He supposed he had been rash with his decision to seek out the head doctor.

And he supposed Doctor Kim was right. St. Martin’s _was_ a prestigious institution.

He doubted the doctors didn’t know what they were doing. And if sedating patients was seen as something necessary, then he supposed he didn’t have a say in it.

He stopped by the reception, eyes curiously following the curve of the stairs leading upstairs.

Vaguely wondering just how many people were suffering in ways unimaginable to him, just how many people had to be heavily drugged to be kept safe.

Vaguely wondering just what had caused the tight-lipped smile of Doctor Kim while talking about the highest floor of the asylum.

He shook his head, breathing out a sigh.

He was not in the position to worry about that.

Not yet.

* * *

The room was buzzing with quiet voices, patients in the general ward awake and nurses and doctors moving from bed to bed.

“So you’re the new doctor?” the man on the bed in front of him smiled weakly when Kyungsoo nodded. “Welcome.”

Kyungsoo could only smile in response, as he reached forward to take the information sheet of the patient from the base of the bed. His eyes scanned the page quickly, before he looked back up to the man, whose big, round eyes were slightly hooded.

“So, Minseok, one of the nurses told me you’ve been having severe headaches and a fever the last few days.”

The patient seemed genuinely confused as he looked at Kyungsoo.

“I don’t think I have, doctor.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes travelled back down to the information sheet, lips pursing into a thin life for a brief moment, before he put it back in its place and then rounded the bed. He smiled, raising a hand towards Minseok’s head.

“Do you mind?”

“Not at all.”

Kyungsoo’s palm touched the man’s forehead and he felt his lips tugging down into a frown again.

He was burning.

He tried not to have a pitying look in his eyes when he met gazes with the patient again. It was his job to deal with this.

He smiled.

“How do you feel right now?”

“A bit lightheaded if I have to be honest.”

That was a start. It was something.

Something not _completely_ delusional.

“Lightheaded?” Kyungsoo pulled up the information sheet of the patient, scribbling down the names of the pills for fever. “The nurse will bring you two new pills with the usual ones at lunch. Make sure you eat a lot, then drink them.” 

„Alright.”

“What about your stomach? Do you feel any pain when you l-“

Kyungsoo’s sentence was interrupted by a loud scream.

A loud, spine-chilling, agonized scream. Muffled.

Not coming from this room. Not coming from this floor.

He blinked when that one loud scream was followed by another one, just as loud, sounding more like a cry.

He felt everyone in the general ward freezing for a second, before time continued as if nothing had happened. The nurses smiling and helping the patients, the doctors going back to their information sheets and examinations.

Kyungsoo, however, found himself still staring towards the ceiling, the loud sound ringing in his ears.

It came from the upper floor, that scream. That pained, absolutely bloodcurdling wail.

And then it stopped. As if nothing had happened, it was gone. Within seconds.

“First time hearing it, Doc?”

Kyungsoo’s head snapped back towards the man on the bed. Minseok’s eyes were still hooded tiredly.

At the lack of a response, he smiled - a small, wistful smile on his face. An almost sad smile. His gaze was clear. He _knew_ what he was talking about this time.

“Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

* * *

After that day he started hearing it more often.

Muffled cries and screams echoing in the silence of the building, sneaking between cracks in the doors and lingering in the walls of the hospital.

Muffled agony reaching Kyungsoo and haunting him for hours after every pained howl he heard from the fourth floor.

Everybody around him seemed to be quite used to it – they would continue working as if nothing had happened.

He couldn’t shake off the feeling of uneasiness, though. He’d catch himself zoning out and staring towards the ceiling, as if trying to see through the hard cement.

He wondered just how much time he would need before he, too, could continue working like the others, without paying much attention to that.

He wondered if he ever could.

However, there wasn’t much he could do, not with his hands full of patients in the general ward. Not with his position as a newly hired doctor.

He couldn’t miss the screams and the shrieks. He couldn’t do anything to stop them either.

For the sake of his new job, though, he decided to ignore them.

* * *

Lunch was usually quiet with the doctors and the attendants.

Kyungsoo, being the only one who had joined just recently, felt like he was intruding on the friendly conversations his co-workers were having every day about their families, about their vacation plans, about their trips.

It was odd. He didn’t quite know these people yet. He couldn’t quite join in on the conversations.

There had been a progress in that past month, of course. He wasn’t referring to the physicians as Doctor Kim and Doctor Zhang anymore. Both had just kindly laughed and told him to not mind formalities such as that.

However, even so, he’d just end up sitting quietly in the corner, finishing his meal and then leaving back to spend the remaining time of his break in his office.

They were in the middle of talking about their plans for their paid work leave this year. A whole two weeks. While Junmyeon was excitedly explaining how he’d love to take his parents to the seaside, Kyungsoo was just quietly eating his meal and nodding along to what the head doctor was saying.

It had become a routine at that point. That’s why he hadn’t expected Yixing to suddenly turn towards him with his kind, dimpled smile.

“What about you, Kyungsoo?”

He startled in his seat at the sound of his name. He set the chopsticks down and felt his shoulders tensing.

“I haven’t really thought about it yet,” he mumbled truthfully. “I guess I’ve been too invested in my work to actually plan anything.”

“To be young and ambitious,” Junmyeon smiled at him. “Speaking of which, a little bird told me you’ve already conducted your 100th check-up.”

“And I think by a little bird he means the reports.”

“Don’t you think that calls for a celebration?” Junmyeon asked, completely ignoring Yixing’s mumble.

Kyungsoo felt his lips stretching in a small smile.

“It’s been a hundred already?” he asked. This was news to him as well. He hadn’t exactly been keeping track of just how many patients he was working with daily. “Time sure does fly.”

“To be young and ambitious, indeed.” Yixing laughed from the side and Kyungsoo’s eyes widened when the doctor clasped a hand on his shoulder. “We sure did find ourselves a great addition to the staff.”

People around the table started agreeing wholeheartedly and Kyungsoo felt his smile just spreading bit by bit. For the first time, he actually did feel like he belonged here.

“Tell you what,” Junmyeon raised a finger. “We can see how the shifts are looking for this weekend and we can all go out for a drink or two.”

Kyungsoo nodded, when he caught the head doctor looking at him expectantly. He smiled again.

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great.”

For the first time in a whole month, he felt like he was actually starting to belong in this place.

* * *

“You don’t want to go to the art room?”

“No.”

Kyungsoo sighed, looking towards Jongdae. The attendant only shrugged.

“But Minseok, you love drawing.” 

“I don’t!” the patient argued, looking at him as if he had fallen from another planet. “I’ve never liked it and I won’t ever like it. So there’s no point in going to the art room.”

Kyungsoo barely supressed the sigh that was urging to escape his lungs.

Loss of initiative amongst other symptoms. Minseok was forgetting his own hobbies.

“What about something else, then?” Kyungsoo asked, pulling the chair closer to Minseok. “Is there anything else you want to try doing?”

“I want to fly.” Minseok answered almost immediately, leaning closer towards Kyungsoo. “I want to travel.”

“You want to travel,” Kyungsoo hummed. “Where do you want to go?”

He saw the look in Minseok’s eyes changing. The excited glint died out and was replaced by something sad. Something darker.

Minseok leaned back in the bed, fingers curling around the blanket.

“I want to go home.”

Kyungsoo pursed his lips for a moment. Then he smiled, as softly as he could. He reached out to place a hand on top of Minseok’s. 

There was no way he could fly. No way he could travel.

He was about to comfort the patient. Tell him a white lie. Do his job.

Loud screams interrupted his intentions. Loud screams, violent ones, unlike all the times he’d hurt pained howls.

They were louder, too.

His head snapped towards the door of the general ward. Whoever was screaming was right on the other side of the doors.

He could hear the commotion outside. He could see the attendants in the general ward looking at the doors in confusion. 

“I can’t go home, can I?”

Kyungsoo turned towards Minseok. The man was staring at the double doors with glassy eyes.

Something in those screams must have upset him. His lips were quivering and he was blinking quickly. His chest was heaving up and down with deep breaths.

Kyungsoo bit on his lower lip at another loud scream coming from the hallway, before he shoved Minseok’s patient sheet in Jongdae’s chest.

“Calm him down,” he said to the attendant quietly. “I’ll be right back.”

He hurried down along the side of the beds lined next to one another towards the doors. The screaming outside only seemed to get louder and louder with every hurried step he took.

He pushed the doors open and escaped the general ward.

There, on the third floor, he saw him for the first time.

It was a man in a straight jacket. His brown hair was sticking out in every direction. His face was strained at the moment – eyebrows furrowed furiously over narrowed eyes, bared teeth and mouth open to release those angry screams. He was screaming and kicking and shouting and trying to break free from the attendants and doctors trying to hold him in place. Junmyeon looked desperate as he was trying to help drag that patient away.

He knew this man’s voice.

He had heard those screams before. Coming from the fourth floor, he had heard this man screaming before.

Kyungsoo stood frozen in his spot for a few seconds, just witnessing the scene – all those people trying to drag one man across the hall towards the other hallway. The one on the opposite side of the general ward.

The treatment rooms.

Another loud growl reminded him where he was, it reminded him what he was witnessing. It reminded him that he should help.

He almost ran those few steps forward, hands reaching out to try and hold onto that man, to somehow stop him from trying to kick the attendants away.

He hadn’t realized just how strong he was until he was actually there, trying to help the others tame him.

The patient, too, must have sensed someone new. He turned in the grasp of the attendant who was trying to catch his arm and pin him down.

And suddenly those narrowed eyes were on him.

The man stared at him, and his face relaxed. His eyes opened up.

They were brown, Kyungsoo could see them now.

The man just looked at him quietly, maybe surprised by the new face, maybe taken aback.

In those few seconds, when he wasn’t screaming and had momentarily forgotten about all the people trying to hold him down, in those few seconds that his face relaxed Kyungsoo could finally see him. He was young. Maybe too young. And he seemed lost and confused as he stared at him.

And Kyungsoo felt his breath hitching for a moment.

A moment long enough for him to hear the man letting out a quiet hiss.

A moment long enough for him to realize that Junmyeon had managed to shove the needle of the syringe in the man’s neck.

Kyungsoo blinked as the patient’s eyelids fluttered and he stilled down in the attendants’ hands. As his legs seemed to give away and his body started to fall.

He reached out to catch the patient before he would collapse on the ground.

Kyungsoo’s eyes were wide open as he looked at the man he was supporting in his arms. With a now rueful expression and closed eyes. Sedated.

The images of his twisted in anger face flashed in his mind.

Only moments ago.

“I’m sorry you had to witness that.” Junmyeon said, trying to catch his breath.

Kyungsoo blinked, barely shaking his head as Junmyeon motioned for the attendants to take the patient from Kyungsoo.

He watched the tall attendant – Chanyeol, was it? – picking up the patient and following after the other attendant through the double doors of the hallway leading to the treatment rooms.

“Who _is_ that?” Kyungsoo asked, finally, turning towards Junmyeon.

The head doctor sighed deeply, a somewhat disappointed expression on his face.

“His name is Kim Jongin.”

Kyungsoo had been hoping for a bit more than that, but Junmyeon just gave him a tight lipped smile, before he dashed after the attendants and his patient.

Kyungsoo finally let out that breath he had been holding.

He tried not to think about the way Kim Jongin’s expression had changed completely from this beast trying to break free to a mere confused boy.

He shook his head and turned around, hand pushing the door to the general ward open again.

Minseok was waiting for him. 

* * *

There wasn’t a day in the following week Kyungsoo wouldn’t remember the incident from the third floor at some point of his day. His eyes would linger on the staircase leading to the asylum’s last floor and he would wonder just who that person was.

And it wasn’t until that dark, thundering afternoon that he got called to the head doctor’s office.

The knocks on the wooden door resounded in the empty hallway.

“Come in,” came Junmyeon’s voice from inside the room and Kyungsoo pushed the door open.

Junmyeon was standing by the window, not looking towards him. He was staring at the storm outside, the rain turning everything grey.

“You asked to see me?” Kyungsoo said, closing the door after himself. The other doctor’s gaze didn’t move away from the window.

“I did.”

Junmyeon let out a heavy breath as he finally shifted and looked towards him. He motioned for the chairs by the desk. Kyungsoo took a seat and waited for his superior to speak.

“Do you remember the patient from some days ago? The one we were trying to contain?”

Kyungsoo ran a tongue over his lower lip. His mouth felt dry, as he nodded.

“Kim Jongin.”

“Kim Jongin.” Junmyeon repeated, a certain heave in his voice. “That’s right.”

“What about him?”

It seemed to be a hard question for Junmyeon to answer. He just brought his hands together on the surface of the desk.

“I have been working this job for many years, Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon started. He looked troubled. “I have seen a lot of things. I’ve had to deal with a lot of things. I have had my fair share of special patients.”

Kyungsoo blinked wordlessly. He waited.

“If there is one thing I have learned, it’s to recognize a lost cause when I see one. And that boy…” Junmyeon shook his head wistfully. “Schizophrenia. An awfully bad case of it, at that.”

Kyungsoo pursed his lips.

He didn’t know what to reply to that. He didn’t know if he was supposed to reply at all.

“I had almost given up, you know. Trying to help him. Shock therapy, Metrazol, hydrotherapy. But no matter what I did, it didn’t work.” Junmyeon looked up, boring his eyes into Kyungsoo’s, holding his gaze. “Until last week.”

Kyungsoo couldn’t even look away because of how intently the doctor was looking at him.

“…sir?”

“Last week, when we were trying to drag him to the therapy halls. When you showed up, he stilled down.”

Kyungsoo remembered. Every single day, he did.

What he didn’t know was why it was relevant. Why Junmyeon was looking at him like that.

“He doesn’t seem to trust me anymore, Kyungsoo. He doesn’t seem to trust any of us.” Junmyeon leaned forward. “I want to see if he will improve in any way if we change his surroundings. See, what I’m trying to say is, I want to assign him to you.”

It was surprisingly quiet in the room, considering the thundering storm outside.

So surprisingly quiet that Kyungsoo could hear his own irregular breaths.

“Of course, I can’t possibly do that without getting your permission first.” Junmyeon continued, kind of frantically. “I realize you just started to work with us, and that you’re still a very young, a very _new_ doctor. And I realize that I’m asking way too much of you, but I saw a change in him in those few moments and I think that maybe you would have a better chance than any of us.”

Kyungsoo let the information sink in.

They wanted to assign a fourth floor patient to him.

The screaming man.

Kim Jongin.

They wanted him to try treating him.

Schizophrenia.

Considering what he had seen and heard and what Junmyeon had just told him he could tell it was no light case.

Considering all that…

“But sir…are you sure that you trust me enough to let me work with a patient like him?”

“Of course I trust _you_ , Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon smiled sadly again, eyes shooting up for a moment. “It’s them I don’t trust.”

“Them, sir?”

“You have no idea what the people on that floor are like,” the head doctor said quietly. “Sometimes, you simply can’t face them alone. That’s why I need your help.”

Kyungsoo let himself think about it for a few more moments. Junmyeon wasn’t urging him anyways.

He felt a dulled sense of pride – they were letting him work on something so big so soon. However, in comparison to that, his worries were greater.

He pondered over it for a few moments, before he let out a small chuckle.

Junmyeon looked at him quizzically.

“Hell,” Kyungsoo let out a breath. “I did take an oath to help patients, after all. It doesn’t seem right to go back on my own word.”

Junmyeon’s mouth twitched into a small smile, as he pushed a folder against his desk towards Kyungsoo.

“Very well. Kim Jongin’s file. Everything you need to know about his condition and treatments is in here.”

“Alright.”

“I give you the freedom to make decisions about his new treatments.” Junmyeon finally let go of the file, a hand flying up to his temples. “I do have to warn you, Kyungsoo. Be careful. Don’t go in his room by yourself, he can be very dangerous, even when confined. And should you ever need help with anything – _anything_ , really – please don’t hesitate to let me or Yixing know, alright?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Kyungsoo?”

He looked up to the head doctor again. Junmyeon was just looking at him kindly, gratitude sparkling in his eyes.

“Thank you.”

* * *

Chanyeol gave him a wary look, as they pushed the double doors opening up to the long corridor.

“I can go with you?” the attendant offered, eyebrows raised on his forehead in what seemed to be sincere concern.

“It’s alright,” Kyungsoo mumbled. He wasn’t sure if it was a reassurance for himself or for Chanyeol. “I’ll go alone.”

 “Are you sure?” Chanyeol still seemed uneasy as he led him down the dim hallway. Kyungsoo’s fingers clutched around the patient’s file. “He might try hurting you.”

He was biting on the inside of his cheek as they reached the room.

There was a little window on the seemingly solid, locked door. He tried to peek in, only seeing the edge of a bed and the all too familiar white.

His eyes shot towards Chanyeol and he felt himself tensing up even more.

“It’s OK.”

Once again, he wasn’t sure if it was to comfort Chanyeol or himself. Maybe both, because Chanyeol just breathed out heavily, but ended up nodding.

“I’ll wait here. Just scream if you need me.”

Kyungsoo’s lips twitched in a tight smile and he nodded his head once in gratitude, before he turned around and finally faced the door.

His breath hitched when he heard the fumbling of keys. HE just blinked quickly as Chanyeol unlocked the door and opened it for him.

Kyungsoo didn’t know what to expect.

He was almost waiting for someone to jump at him and start clawing at him. Hitting him. Attacking him.

He was almost waiting for the patient to glare at him like he had glares at the other doctors, to snarl at him, to scream in his face.

What greeted him was none of that, though.

The patient was lying in his bed, head resting on the pillow and eyes lazily moving from the ceiling towards him, to inspect who the visitor was.

He detected the confusion that ran through the man’s face and he noted the way he furrowed his eyebrows slightly, as he straightened up a little. Pulling back into the bed frame and looking at him cautiously.

Curiously.

“Hello,” Kyungsoo said quietly, afraid that his voice would fail him if he spoke any louder. Those two large, deep, brown eyes were staring at him. The man just pulled the light blanked closer to himself, fingers digging into the fabric. Kyungsoo felt the need to raise his hands, show that he wasn’t carrying anything but a few sheets of paper. “You’re Jongin, right?”

The patient just continued looking at him with that glint of doubt.

But Kyungsoo waited. He just stood there, by the door, hands still slightly raised.

Until he saw the tiniest of all nods.

Kyungsoo smiled. He felt the need to smile. Why? Because the man on the bed seemed nervous.

He’d lie if he said he wasn’t feeling nervous himself.

But Kim Jongin was calmly sitting in his bed, he wasn’t trying to hurt him – there was no trace of the screaming and struggling mess of a man he had seen that day.

“Who are you?”

Kyungsoo closed his mouth at the sound of the man’s voice. It was a deep, hoarse voice. Quiet, husky. Tiny, with a hint of uncertainty.

“My name is Kyungsoo.” He said, finally taking one step forward towards the bed. Jongin didn’t react. “We met a few days ago. Don’t you remember me?”

He took another step forward. Still no reaction.

“We met?” Jongin asked, confusion lacing his tone as he looked at Kyungsoo.

“Yes, we did.” The doctor said. “Very briefly.”

He took another step forward.

Jongin’s eyes shot up to his face then.

They were widened in what he assumed was fear. He saw him curling up even further away from him, so he immediately froze in his place.

He raised his hands again and Jongin’s tense shoulders seemed to relax a little.

“Say, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said, trying to keep the friendly smile on his face. “You will tell me a bit about yourself and then I will tell you about myself.”

“Why?”

It was a reasonable question, Kyungsoo supposed, as he brought his hands in front of himself.

“Because I’m going to be your doctor from now on.”

He didn’t miss the way Jongin’s eyes widened again, a flash of relief running through his face, before being replaced by suspicion and doubt again.

“Where is Doctor Kim?”

“He’s downstairs.” Kyungsoo replied carefully. “Most probably in his office. He’s working too.”

There was still doubt in Jongin’s eyes and Kyungsoo almost sighed out. He motioned towards the door.

“I can go get him if you want.”

“ _No!_ ”

Kyungsoo was taken aback by the sudden increase in volume of Jongin’s voice. He was taken aback by how he had straightened up in the bed, back straight and arms supporting him on the mattress.

His eyes were even wider than before, if that was possible. He did seem scared now. Truly.

And he was shaking.

An alarm went off in Kyungsoo’s brain as he immediately raised his hands towards Jongin. He didn’t dare move closer.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay. I won’t call him. I won’t.”

Jongin still seemed rather alarmed, but he did nod once, as he looked away.

As he motioned towards something in the corner and Kyungsoo turned to see a chair.

“You first.” Kyungsoo looked back towards the patient. Jongin was looking at him, eyes clear and still a tad bit confused, as he motioned towards the chair again. “You start first.”

Kyungsoo felt stiff as he pulled the chair towards the spot he had been standing in until now.

He felt stiff as he actually sat down and finally saw Jongin relaxing a little.

“You want me to tell you about myself first?” Kyungsoo prompted, eyebrows raised just the slightest bit. Jongin nodded his head once, soft brown hair falling over his eyes. “Will you tell me about yourself after that?”

The patient seemed reluctant. He didn’t reply.

Kyungsoo smiled.

“It’s only fair.”

Jongin stared at him for a few very long seconds. Then he nodded briefly.

“You promise?”

Jongin’s nod was curt and brief again.

A minimal action, yet it spoke volumes for someone like him.

Kyungsoo smiled again, this time naturally, as he finally dropped his hands and sat comfortably.

Even as he started quietly talking, sweet nothings, he didn’t look away from Jongin. Not even once.

Every hasty blink, every twitch of his eyebrows and lips, every scrunch of his nose – Kyungsoo made sure he didn’t miss anything.

* * *

“I told him my name, I told him where I come from, where I studied and why I am working here.” Kyungsoo shrugged in front of Junmyeon’s concentrated gaze. “Nothing personal, I just talked to him. Waited to see how he would react.”

“And?” Junmyeon leaned forward on the desk. “How did he react?”

Kyungsoo took a moment to consider his answer, mind flashing to the event from this morning. He breathed out, before shooting his eyes up towards the head doctor.

“He didn’t. He was calm and quiet. He was nice.”

“That’s good,” Junmyeon sighed and sat back in his chair. “You must have caught him on a good day.”

Kyungsoo supposed that was true. After spending half an hour with the boy, he truly couldn’t fathom the fact that it was the same man he had seen screaming and shouting so viciously just a few days ago.

His eyes glazed as he stared at the papers on the desk between him and Junmyeon, every word already etched into his mind after all the times he had read the files.

“He seemed scared,” he ended up sighing after a little while, before looking back to Junmyeon. “Scared of me when I woke up, scared of you when I mentioned you. Scared of everything.”

“Yes.” Junmyeon agreed, bringing his hands together over the table, eyebrows furrowing lightly. “He seems to believe that someone is after him. That people are trying to hurt him. Delusions of persecution.”

Kyungsoo just stared at the files of Kim Jongin on the desk.

“And you said he just…snaps? He just changes all of a sudden and starts attacking the attendants and doctors?”

“I have no explanation for it either, Kyungsoo. I don’t know why it happens so irregularly, but it does. He becomes hostile all of a sudden and when he does, he is dangerous. Very dangerous,” Junmyeon seemed tired as he slouched back in his chair and brought a hand to his temple. He looked at him. “Please don’t go in there alone next time.”

Kyungsoo just pursed his lips, eyes still fixed on the patient files.

All he could do was give a silent not, before leaning forward to gather the papers.

Junmyeon didn’t say anything else, so he just turned around and escaped the office, a thousand thoughts filling his mind – all of them about that scared boy on the fourth floor.

Kim Jongin.

* * *

“You promised,” Kyungsoo prompted with a smile the next day and the patient just looked at him wide-eyed and still curled in the very corner of the bed, his back touching the wall. “Remember? Yesterday I told you about me, and you promised you’d tell me about yourself.”

Jongin’s eyes shot to the corner of the room. Kyungsoo let out a quiet breath as he turned his head to look over his shoulder.

Chanyeol was standing there as silently as possible, without moving, observing.

Ready to interfere if necessary, as per Junmyeon’s instructions.

Kyungsoo looked back towards his patient and the way he folded his legs and wrapped his hands around his knees. He pursed his lips, before turning to the attendant again.

“Chanyeol, can you wait for me outside?”

“But, Doctor Kim said-“

“Please?”

Chanyeol’s lips twitched into a little frown, as he shot a look towards Jongin. He just nodded at Kyungsoo’s request and headed for the door of the room.

“I’ll be just in front of the door, if you need me.” Chanyeol said, a pointy, meaningful look directed towards Kyungsoo. The doctor just nodded and waited until the door was closed to turn towards Jongin again.

He, too, was looking towards the door, plump lower lip locked between his teeth and eyes still unreadable.

“Well,” Kyungsoo spoke first to break the silence and Jongin immediately moved his eyes towards him. “Will you tell me?”

Jongin measured him with his curious eyes, resting his chin on his knees. It made Kyungsoo somewhat happy that the patient felt comfortable around him.

“What do you want to know?”

Kyungsoo thought about it for a moment. He knew nothing about this boy, except all the details about his medical condition.

That’s not something he wanted to talk to him about, though.

“Anything you want to talk about is good,” Kyungsoo decided finally. “You can tell me about your home, about your family, about your friends. About your favourite novel, your favourite thing to do. Your favourite food.”

Jongin seemed to think about that for a while, his lips forming a small pout as he  looked down to his hands.

“I don’t want to talk about my family.” He said suddenly, voice hoarse and low. “They’re the ones who sent me here. I have nothing to say about them.”

Kyungsoo just nodded, watching Jongin’s eyebrows furrowing as he seemed to think about that even further.

“Family and friends don’t abandon each other. Mine did.” Kyungsoo could see the surprising clarity and bitterness in the boy’s eyes. He was hurt, as he strengthened his grip on his knees, pulling them even closer to his chest. “They don’t even visit me anymore.”

Kyungsoo blinked quickly at the little scoff that resounded in the room, at the sad, ironic smile pulling Jongin’s lips back.

“I suppose they’re ashamed of me now. I suppose they’re scared.”

Kyungsoo just remained quiet for a few moments.

It wasn’t uncommon. In this day, in their society, it was looked down upon to have someone like Jongin in your family. Many hid that. Many got rid of their own relatives to avoid being the talk of town.

Yet, they were still paying for Jongin’s stay here. St. Martin’s was no ordinary asylum. It was a private institution. Kyungsoo just stared at Jongin and the way he was looking blankly at the ground. He wondered if he was thinking clearly now.

“What about here?” Kyungsoo asked, trying to pull the patient out of his thoughts about his past. “Do you have friends here?”

“Friends?” Jongin echoed, eyebrows a little raised. He kept staring at the ground, an unexplainably sad glint in his eyes. “I have no friends here. I am all alone.”

Kyungsoo dared stand up from his chair then, the scraping of the metal against the floor attracting Jongin’s attention. The patient looked at him as he took a step forward towards the bed. Then another one.

He didn’t flinch and Kyungsoo took that as a good sign, as he sat down on the very end of the bed, the mattress dipping under his weight. Jongin was just looking at him, eyes wider than before and breathing heavier.  

His skin was golden and his eyes were a pretty shade of brown, Kyungsoo realized as he finally saw him from so close, as he paid more attention. His lips looked soft.

Kyungsoo smiled.

“You don’t have to be alone.”

Jongin looked at him then, eyes doubtful and full of distrust that slowly melted into nothingness. Kyungsoo reached out towards the man, his hand hovering in the air over the crumpled blankets.

“I can be your friend.”

Jongin’s eyes moved towards his open palm. He seemed reluctant, but Kyungsoo did not waver. He just stood still, eyes fixed on the boy’s face. Trying to understand what he was thinking.

Jongin let out a shattered breath then, his shoulders slumping, as he hesitantly raised his own hand. His hand wavered before it actually touched Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo took the initiative to wrap his fingers around the patient’s hand in a handshake. His skin was soft and warm under his fingers.

Jongin was staring at their connected hands, lips parted and chest heaving up and down with his heavy breaths.

He did not pull his hand back.

Kyungsoo smiled.

* * *

Kyungsoo was flipping through the pages of Jongin’s file for probably the millionth time, hoping to see something he had missed before. Hoping he would find something that would help him find out exactly what could cause those sudden switches Junmyeon and the other doctors were talking about.

In the time he had spent with Jongin these past few days, he had always been calm and quiet, sitting in the corner of his bed. Always closed and hesitant.

He just couldn’t quite understand.

He was tired, reading the same thing all over and over again.

He vaguely wondered if there was something that triggered Jongin’s violence. Maybe the doctors leading him to his treatments?

He tapped the pencil on his desk. It was a theory.

He was about to put the pencil down and finally close the file, when there were three knocks on his office’s door.  Urgent and loud.

“Come in,” he said after clearing his throat.

It was Jongdae’s head that showed up when the door opened the slightest bit. There was an urgent look in his eyes. Kyungsoo felt himself frowning at the look on the attendant’s face.

“What is it?”

“The general ward, sir. One of the patients is-…he’s having a panic attack.”

Kyungsoo was standing up from his chair before he even knew it. He didn’t even bother locking the door of his office as he rushed after Jongdae towards the staircases.

“Which patient?”

“Byun Baekhyun, sir. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Anxiety and Sleep Disorders as well.” Jongdae said breathily as they reached the base of the staircase and he kept leading Kyungsoo. The doctor frowned.

“The war?”

“No, sir. He’s too young to be a veteran. He was caught in the riots in Pyongyang in ’31.”

“What triggered his panic attack?”

Jongdae seemed reluctant as he spoke.

“A visitor. Not his, some visitor just walked in.” Kyungsoo threw a look towards Jongdae. The attendant sighed. “He was wearing Japanese military attire.”

Kyungsoo felt his jaw tightening, as he hurried up the steps. He couldn’t stop the anger in his voice.

“You let a Japanese soldier in here when you know we have patients like him?!”

Jongdae seemed beyond guilty and Kyungsoo just sighed as he picked up his pace. It was wrong of him to scold the attendant. It wasn’t his fault.

It’s not like he could stop the visitors from coming in. Especially that kind of visitors.

He sighed.

“Sorry,” Kyungsoo breathed out, shaking his head. “Sorry, it’s not your fault. Lead me to the patient.”

He just hurried after Jongdae up to the second floor.

He could hear the distressed, horrified screams before they even pushed the door open.

* * *

Kyungsoo was sitting at the edge of Jongin’s bed and Jongin was sitting on the other side. He wasn’t curled against the corner this time. His feet were dangling off the edge and he was playing with he sleeves of his shirt. He seemed comfortable enough to not flinch every time Kyungsoo moved.

Kyungsoo, however, was too busy looking towards the table where the tray with food remained untouched. It was well past lunch time now, it was probably cold already.

He blinked towards Jongin.

“You didn’t eat your food?”

Jongin shrugged, throwing a look towards the tray.

Kyungsoo stood up from the bed and approached the tray with food. He leaned closer, looking at the watery liquid in the bowl and the piece of bread on the side. His nose scrunched up at the scent.

“Cabbage soup?”

Jongin nodded absentmindedly.

“They bring it every Tuesday.” The patient mumbled, still playing with his sleeves. “I don’t like it. I don’t like cabbage.”

Kyungsoo’s nose scrunched again at the smell coming from the bowl. It didn’t even look appetizing. He couldn’t blame Jongin for not eating _that_.

“So every Tuesday you skip lunch?”

“Dinner too.” Jongin mumbled, even more quietly and Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows. “They bring the same thing for lunch and dinner every day.”

“That’s not good, Jongin. You’re taking medications, you should be eating.” Kyungsoo sighed, shaking his head. “Why did you never tell the attendants that you don’t like it?”

Jongin furrowed his brows then, and he furrowed lightly. A very hurt expression took over his face for the briefest of moments.

“I told them, a long time ago.” He said, voice barely louder than a whisper. “They screamed at me. They told me that I am not allowed to complain. That I should eat what’s given to me or starve.”

Kyungsoo felt his fingers tightening into fists, as he registered every word. He could swear he saw red for a few moments, before he forced himself to calm down. He took a deep breath, as he returned to the corner of Jongin’s bed.

He threw a quick look towards his patient and the way he was biting on his lower lip, fingers still messing with his sleeve and eyes following their movements.

“What is your favourite food?” Kyungsoo asked quietly and watched Jongin’s fingers freezing. His chin dipped even lower. Then he threw an uncertain look towards him.

“My favourite food?” he repeated, eyes lowering in thought. “I like chicken.”

Kyungsoo smiled fondly at the shy tone of the other man. At how his face lit up for the briefest of moments.

“Do they bring it to you sometimes?”

Jongin’s face darkened again, then. He sighed.

“They say meat is expensive and there’s too many of us here. They only bring it on special occasions.”

Kyungsoo felt his chest tightening upon hearing that. It was unfair.

To have Jongin starving every Tuesday because nobody would listen to him. He made a mental note to himself to talk to Junmyeon about it later.

“Tell you what,” Kyungsoo said, smiling up to Jongin. “I’ll bring you chicken next Tuesday. I’ll cook it myself. We can have lunch together.”

He saw Jongin’s eyes widening slowly, to the point they started wavering.

 _No_.

He was tearing up, Kyungsoo realized after a few seconds. It’s like Jongin had realized it in the same time, because he raised his hands, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands.

He didn’t say anything, instead he let Jongin calm himself down and look towards him. He had a doubtful, yet hopeful look in his eyes.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Kyungsoo’s heart swelled a little at the sight of Jongin smiling for the first time. It was a small smile, his lips trembling. Yet, it was beautiful and Kyungsoo found himself smiling back.

“Nobody’s ever had lunch with me ever since I came here.” Jongin whispered, not trusting his own voice.

Kyungsoo tried not to sigh out loud. Instead, he reached his hand out, pulling Jongin’s arm away from his face. The patient looked up when Kyungsoo squeezed his hand lightly for a moment.

“That must be lonely.”

Jongin just breathed out, looking down towards their hands. Then he pursed his lips, chin still trembling. As if he was trying to contain what he felt.

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything. He just waited.

It took Jongin a few short minutes to collect himself under Kyungsoo’s curious gaze. It took him a  few short minutes to finally look back to the doctor and to hesitantly wrap his fingers around Kyungsoo’s palm. There was a shaky smile on his face.

“It’s really nice,” the patient ended up uttering quietly. “Talking to you.”

“It’s really nice talking to you, too, Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiled and before Jongin could question it – he saw the intention in the way he looked at him doubtfully – he squeezed his hand again. “ _Really_.”

Jongin’s smile widened a bit and Kyungsoo couldn’t help thinking how beautiful that smile was and how it fit those pretty eyes, for the first time glimmering with something akin to happiness.

* * *

The little things he knew about Jongin made him partly understand that scared and doubtful look on his face. The look he couldn’t contain.

He sighed deeply.

Life was unfair to the kindest people sometimes. Jongin was a good person, that much he had found out in the past two weeks during their brief conversations.

And so far there had been no trace of that crazy look in his eyes he had seen during their first meeting.  So far, things had been good.

There were a few other things Kyungsoo wanted to ask. He had to wait for the proper moment, though.

He had just started earning Jongin’s trust. He couldn’t let it all crumble by asking him about his illness. That could wait.

He pushed the door open, smiling at the man with the cat-like features whose eyes immediately pinned on him.

“Hello, Minseok!” Kyungsoo greeted and grabbed the folder with the patient’s information from the base of the bed.

The man on the bed cocked his head a little, straightening up in the bed. He gave him a confused look, genuine confusion lacing his voice as he spoke.

“How do you know my name?’

* * *

It felt like déjà vu.

How he was sitting in the general ward, next to Baekhyun, when he heard the screams.

So close.

His heart skipped a beat in his chest as he recognized those screams.

The same voice he had been listening to for weeks.

Why was Jongin screaming?

Why was he here and not in his room?

He shoved the patient files in Jongdae’s chest. Then he was running towards the door of the ward before he could even stop himself.

He pushed the doors open to see a very much familiar sight.

Chanyeol and three more attendants were trying to hold Jongin down as they were trying to push him forward to the treatment halls.

He was struggling, arms bound in a straight jacket, he was trying to break free.

His eyes were narrowed, his teeth were bared. He was growling and screaming. Threatening. Insulting.

Kyungsoo froze for a moment as he watched the scene unfolding in front of his eyes. A deep disappointment was setting in his heart, as he realized that this boy in front of him now was the same one he had been talking to before.

The same shy, afraid boy who would barely look him the eyes, the boy with the most beautiful smile.

This was him. The same boy.

Except, he was viciously trying to break free, loud curses were rolling down his tongue. He seemed ready to hurt anybody who tried to touch him.

Kyungsoo remembered where he was and what he was witnessing at another loud scream. He remembered who he was.

He straightened up, eyes boring into Chanyeol who had taken a step back, after Jongin had tried to bite him.

“What is going _on_?!”

Chanyeol looked up, chest heaving up and down with heavy breaths, as he found Kyungsoo with his eyes.

“He has a scheduled hydrotherapy session for today.” The attendant quickly said. “The moment we pulled out the jacket he started acting up.”

Kyungsoo felt his jaw tightening, his mind filled with many thoughts.

Maybe he had been right. Maybe Jongin’s violence really did get triggered by the treatments. By the attendants trying to restrain him.

But that wasn’t important now. He threw a sharp glare at Chanyeol.

“I didn’t appoint a hydrotherapy session.”

“It’s been appointed for a month, sir.” The attendant looked confused and Kyungsoo frowned. An appointment from his previous physician. Junmyeon. “We were just trying to get him to the-“

Kyungsoo raised a hand to shut Chanyeol up and instead approached Jongin and the other attendants who were still trying to drag him forward.

Jongin hadn’t even realized he was near him, until Kyungsoo reached out to put a hand on his shoulder.

That’s when he turned towards him, eyes narrowed and mouth still open in a growl.

Kyungsoo didn’t know what he had been expecting. Maybe he was expecting Jongin to calm down after seeing a familiar face. A face he trusted.

That didn’t happen.

Jongin hissed when their eyes met, a rumbling sound coming from his throat as his eyes narrowed even further.

“ _Get your filthy hands off me_.”

And then he started struggling even harder than before. Leaning forward with his bared teeth.

Kyungsoo stepped back when the attendants pulled Jongin back abruptly. The patient was still glaring at him, still shouting and growling.

Kyungsoo almost stumbled as he took another step back, eyes glazing as he watched Chanyeol joining the other attendants to finally tackle Jongin down.

He had tried to hurt him.

Kyungsoo let out a breath, blinking quickly at the way the patient glared at him from the ground.

There was no trace of the shy, smiling boy he had gotten to know in the past week in those eyes.

Just anger.

* * *

Kyungsoo’s heart felt heavy as he held the boxes in his hands and swayed in front of the door. He felt uncertain. 

Chanyeol was standing behind him, instructed to stay in front of the door. As always. 

With a deep inhale, he pushed the door open and entered the white room. 

Jongin’s eyes immediately turned to look at him. Kyungsoo saw the boy straightening up in his bed and his eyebrows raising a little. His eyes were bright and his lips pulled up into the tiniest of smiles. 

Kyungsoo’s jaw tightened as he watched him. 

He didn’t move straight to the bed, like he usually did.

Instead, he walked over to the table. He pushed the tray with the cabbage soup to the side and set the two boxes on the surface. 

He took a few moments to think, before he turned to look at Jongin. He watched the patient’s smile gradually disappearing. He watched him blinking quickly, eyebrows furrowing slightly. 

“Hello,” Jongin greeted first when Kyungsoo didn’t, voice quiet and shaky. Kyungsoo just nodded, unable to get a word out. Jongin’s lips twitched, and he blinked quickly again. His shoulders seemed to tense up as he watched him. “Is-…Is everything alright?”

Kyungsoo had to admit, there was something incredibly noble in someone like Jongin asking _him_ if everything was alright. Something incredibly pure-hearted. He breathed out slowly, pulling the chair towards the table and sitting down. 

“I don’t know, Jongin.” He said eventually, eyes looking straight at Jongin’s. He didn’t miss the way the boy flinched at the sound of Kyungsoo’s voice. “Do you think everything’s alright?” 

Jongin seemed confused, as his shoulders rode up even higher. He looked lost. Confused to the point of his voice shaking a little.

“I-…I don’t know.”

Kyungsoo bit on his lower lip. 

That wasn’t fair. 

It wasn’t fair to talk to Jongin like this. 

He sighed, regretting his tone immediately. He just buried his face in his hands for a moment, before he looked back up to Jongin. The man was starting to crawl to the corner of his bed, pulling the blanket closer to himself. Kyungsoo felt a sharp pain in his heart at the sight.

“Why did you try to hit me, Jongin?” 

Jongin immediately stopped moving back. Instead, his eyes widened immediately. 

He looked shocked. Like this was new information to him. Like he didn’t know what he had done just two days ago.

“W-.. _what_?”

“Why did you try to hit me?” Kyungsoo repeated, calmly. Trying not to let the coldness reach his voice. 

Jongin’s mouth was open and his lower lip was trembling again. His eyes were shaking as he looked around the room. His hands were shaking too.

Kyungsoo took note of how he dug his fingers in the flesh of his palms. 

“I-…I don’t-…I tried to hit you?” 

Kyungsoo’s eyebrow twitched, as he straightened up. He felt mostly intrigued as he watched the shaking frame of Jongin. Of the confused and absolutely lost look on his face. He looked terrified. 

“Yes, Jongin. Two days ago. Do you not remember?” 

Jongin opened his mouth again then, and no sound came out. Instead, his eyebrows knitted together on his forehead and he shook his head once. Twice. He looked absolutely frightened. Petrified to the point of his eyes tearing up again as he kept shaking his head. 

“I’m sorry.” He uttered, voice breaking in a sob. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Kyungsoo pursed his lips at the sight. 

He felt his own eyes watering, but he quickly blinked that away and focused his attention on removing the lids of the boxes. 

It took him a few moments to gather his own thoughts, before he turned to Jongin again. The boy was holding on both sides of his head, fingers tightly gripping on his hair. He was shaking back and forth. His pupils were still shaking. 

It was definitely not fair, Kyungsoo ran his tongue over his dry lips.

Not fair that this boy had to suffer so much. 

“Jongin?” 

The man immediately looked at him, the grip of his fingers loosening. His hair was sticking out in all directions now.

“Would you like to join me here?” 

Jongin sniffed quietly then, eyes looking towards the table that Kyungsoo was pointing. 

“What’s that?” he asked, voice cautious and shaky. He looked suspicious. Guilty. 

Kyungsoo sighed, standing up from the chair and approaching the bed quietly. He put his hand forward, offering it to Jongin.

Nothing of that was his fault. 

The doctor smiled.

“It’s Tuesday, Jongin. And I promised to bring you chicken and have lunch with you, didn’t I?”

Jongin’s eyes widened yet again, this time in surprise, as he looked back towards the boxes. 

He sniffed again, and he looked like a child as he tried to stop his tears.

Kyungsoo patiently waited.

Jongin eventually raised his own hand. It was still shaking, so Kyungsoo made sure to hold it tightly as he helped the man stand up from the bed.

It was interesting how Jongin was taller than him, but with his shoulders slumped like that and with his lower lip still trembling he looked like a kid. Kyungsoo couldn’t bring himself to be angry. 

Instead, he waited for Jongin to follow after him towards the little table in the room.

Jongin’s eyes were shining with emotion as he looked down towards the food Kyungsoo had brought, the colourful vegetables, the cooked chicken, the rice. He wasn’t a great cook, so he had only opted for things he knew how to make. 

He felt Jongin shaking again – he was still holding his hand – so he looked up to him. 

The man was still staring at the two lunch boxes, and he had raised his free hand to cover his mouth to stop the sobs from spilling. He viciously wiped the tears on his cheeks away, before turning towards Kyungsoo again. His fingers tightened around Kyungsoo’s hand lightly. 

“I really am sorry,” Jongin said tearfully. “I never meant to hurt you.” 

Kyungsoo stared at him.

There was nothing but honesty in those pretty, brown eyes and he knew Jongin was telling the truth.

He sighed out and let himself smile briefly, before he reached out to Jongin’s face.

He put his hand on his head once. Then again, sliding down his soft hair.

Jongin didn’t flinch at the touch, instead he let Kyungsoo caress him for a few moments. 

The doctor was the first one who let go of him and stepped back, forcing the smile on his face to widen and his eyebrows to shoot up.

“Come on, then,” he motioned towards the two chairs and the lunch boxes. “Let’s eat before it gets cold.” 

Jongin stared at him for a moment, before he finally nodded and forced a little smile on his own lips. 

* * *

Kyungsoo had cancelled all hydrotherapy appointments. He had cancelled all Metrazol and Insulin shots. He had cancelled everything, except for the regular medications.

It was a week later that he found himself sitting at the base of Jongin’s bed with his paperwork and watching his patient casually sitting by the pillow with his legs crossed.

“Jongin?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?” Kyungsoo watched Jongin looking up from his hands to look at him. He seemed intrigued. “Something very serious.”

“Yes.”

“Do you know why you’re here?”

“Because they think I’m crazy.”

“Who are they?” Kyungsoo pressed.

“The doctors. My parents. My friends,” Jongin’s face was slowly darkening. “They didn’t believe me when I told them he was trying to kill me. They thought I was crazy. So they put me in here.”

Kyungsoo noted the way Jongin was starting to shake.

That was enough.

It was obviously taking a lot of him to speak about this. Even this was enough.

Kyungsoo was curious, as he stared at Jongin. He was curious. Was this also a sort of a post-traumatic stress disorder? Had someone in the past tried hurting him?

No. Junmyeon’s reports said schizophrenia. His previous conversation with the head doctor rang in his mind clearly.

_He seems to believe that someone is after him. That people are trying to hurt him. Delusions of persecution._

Kyungsoo pursed his lips, closing the folder.

“Jongin, can you tell me about your treatments until now?”

The man’s face remained dark and sullen. His brows furrowed.

“It’s horrible. They’re horrible.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo agreed quietly. “I know. But you need to tell me what you remember.”

“What I remember?” Jongin looked up abruptly, before shaking his head briefly. “I don’t-…I don’t quite remember everything. Doctor Kim used to say that’s normal. That people don’t remember the things they don’t like.”

Kyungsoo nodded quietly.

“Doctor Kim is right,” he said quietly. He supposed that had been Junmyeon’s way of calming Jongin down after the treatments. “But you still do remember some things, don’t you?”

Jongin took a deep breath, as he nodded.

“When I first came here they used to…they used to inject something. In my arm.” He said, eyebrows twitching as he subconsciously raised a hand to cover the inner side of his left elbow. “They used to tie me down. My hands and my feet, I couldn’t move them. And then they put a leather strip in my mouth.”

Kyungsoo felt his chest constricting, as he listened to every word Jongin was barely managing to whisper.

“And then everything was hazy. My body was shaking, but it wasn’t me doing it. And they were holding me down. And it wouldn’t stop.” Jongin’s eyes were shaking again at the memories. “But when it did, when it finally stopped hurting all over, I felt like my entire body had become lighter. I felt light. I remember that.”

 _Metrazol convulsion_ , Kyungsoo thought to himself, _or insulin shock therapy_. 

He had read about both in Jongin’s file. And there was no way Jongin could distinguish them himself. To him, they were probably the same thing – the medicine that made everything hurt as his body shook on the table, as they restricted his hands and feet and put leather in his mouth to protect his teeth.

He looked up just in time to see Jongin straightening up, a troubled expression on his face.

“And there’s the water.”

Kyungsoo too, straightened up. Hydrotherapy.

“They tie me down in one of those bathtubs downstairs,” Jongin said, voice faltering and breaking all over again. “And then they put in the water. And it’s so cold.”

Jongin shut his eyes then, as if trying to shake away the feeling.

“They leave me there for hours. I tried telling them it’s too cold. I tried telling them it hurts. But they never let me out. They just….leave me there. In the water.”

Kyungsoo reached out to put a hand on Jongin’s head when the boy started shaking again at just the thought of it.

The doctor himself felt sick to his stomach. It was not humane, that sort of therapy. It was cruel.

“Don’t worry,” Kyungsoo said quietly, patting Jongin’s head again, his hand sliding down to his cheek in comfort. “You won’t ever go through that again.”

Jongin looked up to him. He was shaking like a leaf, but when their eyes met and they stared at one another for a few moments, Jongin just nodded quietly, leaning into the touch of Kyungsoo’s warm palm.

* * *

“Jongdae?”

The attendant looked up from his food, mouth still full.

“Have you ever worked with patients on the fourth floor?”

Jongdae seemed to find it a bit difficult to answer, because he raised his finger, signalling Kyungsoo to wait. He almost choked on how fast he tried chewing his noodles.

“Patients on the fourth floor, sir? I’ve only ever brought food to some of them when the other attendants were busy.”

“So you’ve never worked with Kim Jongin?”

“No, sir.”

“Great.” Kyungsoo clasped his hands together. “Then I want you to come with me today to his room.”

Jongdae straightened up and looked at Kyungsoo in confusion. Then his gaze moved to where Chanyeol was sitting. He seemed just as confused as Jongdae.

“Sir?”

Kyungsoo shrugged.

“It’s just a theory I want to test out. See, that patient…he seems to associate Doctor Kim with his previous treatments. And Chanyeol has been his attendant ever since he came in St. Martin’s. He doesn’t feel comfortable in his presence. Chanyeol and Doctor Kim…see, they remind him of the hydrotherapy and the convulsion therapy. He seems to become more….reserved when they’re around.” Kyungsoo felt the need to turn towards Chanyeol. “Don’t take it personally, please. I’m just trying to understand how his mind works.”

Chanyeol, thankfully, didn’t seem in all way offended. He just dismissed Kyungsoo with a quick, bright smile and a wave of his hand.

Kyungsoo turned back to Jongdae, who seemed a little more concerned with life than he had two minutes ago.

The attendant just nodded, wiping his hands in the tissue and standing up.

“After you, sir.”

* * *

“This is Jongdae and he’s my friend.” Kyungsoo introduced the attendant, eyes not leaving Jongin’s face and judging his reactions. He did seem a bit cautious, but he did take Jongdae’s hand and shook it when the attendant happily stretched it out for a greeting. “Do you mind if he comes with us today?”

“Comes with us?” Jongin dropped Jongdae’s hand and turned to look at him instead. His eyes slowly widened up in fear. “Where are we going?”

Kyungsoo smiled softly.

“I want to show you something.”

Jongin seemed very reluctant to escape the room. He was sticking closely to his side, shuffling his feet down the hallway.

Kyungsoo kept looking at him. He looked so confused, that poor thing. He looked so lost – walking this hallway by himself with his hands and legs unrestrained. Not being dragged by attendants.

“Careful with the stairs,” Kyungsoo reminded as they started walking down slowly.

Jongin’s legs seemed to be a bit wobbly and his pace seemed to become slower with every step he took. Especially when the doors of the third floor started coming in view.

Kyungsoo didn’t pay much mind to that, instead stood by Jongin’s side and kept up with his tempo. He didn’t want to rush him.

“Do…Doctor?”

Kyungsoo blinked quickly at the small sound of Jongin’s voice calling for him. Usually, it was just the two of them in the room on the fourth floor, no one else to talk to.

It was the first time Jongin was actually calling out to him. And his first thought had been to call him doctor.

For some reason, Kyungsoo didn’t feel comfortable with that. Was it because Junmyeon was _Doctor_ Kim to Jongin? Was it because he didn’t want Jongin to see him just as his doctor, but as a friend who was trying to help him?

He smiled at him.

“Just call me Kyungsoo.”

Jongin nodded absentmindedly, eyes fixed on the door in front of them. His face seemed pale.

“That’s…that’s where the water is.”

Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow, following Jongin’s gaze to the door of the left wing.

He felt his heart sinking to the bottom of his feet as he realized why Jongin was so reluctant to move, why his knees were wobbly. There, among the other treatment rooms were also the hydrotherapy halls.

“ _Oh no_ ,” he let out a breath and turned around to hold Jongin on his shoulders. “No, no, no. We’re not going to the water.”

Jongin seemed very unsure as he looked up and saw Jongdae keeping the door of the wing open and waiting for them. He looked down at Kyungsoo, pupils shaking. He had a begging look in his eyes and Kyungsoo’s heart shattered at the sight.

“We’re _not_ going there, I promise. We will just pass by the door until we reach the room I want to show you.” Kyungsoo tightened his grip on Jongin’s shoulders. “I won’t hurt you.”

His hands slid down Jongin’s arms, until they hooked under his fingers. He tugged on his hand lightly, until Jongin looked at his face again.

“Trust me.”

* * *

There wasn’t anybody else in the art therapy room. Kyungsoo thought they were lucky to have it all to themselves.

He wasn’t really paying much mind to anything else, but the sight of Jongin sitting on one of those chairs, hands on the table, shielding his piece of paper from the eyes of the doctor and the attendant. Jongdae was sitting on the opposite side of the table, also drawing. It had been Kyungsoo’s request, asking Jongdae to join Jongin in drawing so he wouldn’t be alone. It seemed now, however, that Jongdae was just as excited as Jongin was to see who could draw a better lion.

Kyungsoo didn’t mind that they’d been sitting here for over half an hour.

He didn’t mind it at all, because he got to see Jongin relaxing completely for once – especially in the presence of another person, a person that wasn’t Kyungsoo.

Because he got to see Jongin smiling more confidently.

His chest felt tight at just the thought of Jongin spending all day, every day locked up in that horrible, tiny room with nothing to look forward to except for those barbaric treatments. It was, in a way, no different than a prison.

But now, now he was doing something he seemed to find entertaining, and his smile was genuine as he showed Jongdae his lion.

“That hardly looks like an animal, let alone a lion!” Jongdae complained, pointing towards Jongin’s picture.

Jongin still seemed to be too shy to actually speak up. He just looked down at his drawing, intrigued. Then his eyes moved to the mess that Jongdae’s ‘lion’ was.

He ended up looking towards Kyungsoo with a quizzical look in his eyes.

Kyungsoo couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped his lips.

“I think Jongin’s looks better.”

Jongin’s face immediately lit up, while Jongdae pretended to be shocked. Or, at least, Kyungsoo thought he pretended. His frown was very convincing.

“You know what, no. It’s fine. I get it. We work together, you can’t show favouritism. I totally get it.”

Kyungsoo laughed quietly again, raising his eyebrows at the attendant. Jongdae just shrugged.

“Next theme!”

Kyungsoo smiled softly at the sound of Jongin’s excited voice. At the sight of him reaching forward and grabbing yet another piece of paper from the middle of the table. Jongdae took another piece of paper as well.

“How about Doctor Do? Whoever draws a better portrait of him wins.”

Jongin blinked quickly at Jongdae’s suggestion, eyes moving towards him.

“Kyungsoo?”

It was almost like he was seeking permission to do it. Kyungsoo smiled and nodded.

“Go ahead. Can’t wait to see how both of you deform me.”

“I don’t want to deform you!” Jongin said immediately, in a very quiet voice.

“Well then,” Kyungsoo smiled. “I’m giving you five more minutes to finish this one. I know you guys are no Buonarrotis, but please keep in mind that my left side is my good side.”

“Okay, Mona Lisa,” Jongdae scoffed.

Jongin was already holding his pencil tightly and had pulled the paper closer to him. However, it was his voice that Kyungsoo heard next.

“That’s Da Vinci.”

“Mm, what?” Jongdae asked distractedly, pencil already running on the paper.

“Mona Lisa. Leonardo da Vinci drew her. Kyungsoo mentioned Buanarotti. You know, Michelangelo?”

Kyungsoo found himself staring at Jongin as the patient kept throwing looks at him every now and then.

He seemed to be very concentrated on his drawing and Kyungsoo just kept staring at him.

There were many things he did not yet know about Kim Jongin, but he kept surprising him every day.

Despite everything, he was a vulnerable and sweet boy. He was smart too.

He just kept surprising him and the more Kyungsoo found out about him, the more he wondered just what had gone wrong.

Jongdae’s scoff brought him out of his thoughts. The attendant was looking down at his own painting of Kyungsoo, cringing.

“Well I don’t know about those guys, but this sure is going down in history as the ugliest portrait ever painted. Guess I’m gonna be famous too.”

Jongin’s laugh was a quiet, soft sound – hearty, yet still very collected and reserved.

Still, it was a sound that made everything seem brighter.

Kyungsoo didn’t even realize he was smiling until Jongdae told him to stay still because he couldn’t finish his drawing.

* * *

Junmyeon was standing by the reception. Kyungsoo saw him on his way coming back from the general ward. He was about to greet him, tell him he had just been heading to lunch.

Junmyeon however, pulled him aside the moment he was in front of him.

He had a very stern expression on his face and Kyungsoo knew already something was wrong.

“There’s been an incident on the fourth floor,” Junmyeon said and Kyungsoo could practically feel shivers running up his spine. “Jongdae got hurt.”

“What?” Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “What happened?”

“Kim Jongin happened.” Junmyeon said with a sigh. “He had another…episode. They were bringing him lunch. Apparently he decided a better use of the chopsticks would be to stab people with them.”

“What?” Kyungsoo let out a breath.

“Thankfully Yixing happened to be on the same floor. He managed to sedate him.” Junmyeon shook his head. “I don’t understand…I just. I don’t. You said he was showing progress.”

“He was!” Kyungsoo protested, heart beating wildly in his chest. He couldn’t believe this. “I’ll go check on him. I-“

“He’s probably out of it. Yixing said it wasn’t a full dose that he injected, but still you probably won’t be able to talk to him.”

“I’ll go.” Kyungsoo insisted.

Junmyeon didn’t seem to mind. He just sighted tiredly again.

“Just be careful,” the head doctor said. “Should we wait for you for lunch?”

“Go ahead without me.”

Kyungsoo didn’t even wait for another reply or a goodbye. He was rushing up the stairs.

On the third floor, just by the door, Jongdae was just escaping the general ward with a very visible frown on his face. His arm was bandaged.

“Junmyeon just told me what happened,” Kyungsoo lunged forward towards the attendant. “Are you alright?”

“Well, apart from the fact that I have a hole from a chopstick in my arm, I’m fine.”

“I’m serious.” Kyungsoo frowned. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Jongdae smiled. “He missed the muscles. I’ll be as good as new in a week or so.”

The attendant was about to move away, but Kyungsoo turned on his heel.

“Jongdae, wait!”

The man looked back at him.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo uttered, arms uselessly flailing around. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to work with him. Now you got hurt.”

“It’s fine, sir. It could have been worse. Besides, you kind of agree to the risks when you start working in a nuthouse. It was bound to happen someday.” Jongdae looked down at his bandage, lips pursing together, before he frowned again. His eyes moved to Kyungsoo. “I do have to say, though, that was scary.”

“You did get stabbed with a chopstick. I’d imagine that is scary, yes.”

“Not _that_.” Jongdae shook his head and Kyungsoo looked at him. “Jongin was, sir. It’s like…it’s like it wasn’t him.”

Jongdae remained silent for a few moments, before he raised his eyebrows and shook his head with yet another smile.

“Anyways, I’ll get going now. I suppose it would be a good time to make Doctor Kim buy me lunch, don’t you think so?”

Kyungsoo distractedly nodded, as he watched Jongdae hopping down the stairs.

_Like it wasn’t him._

Kyungsoo pursed his lips. So he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

He turned around and started walking up to the fourth floor. His body felt heavier with every step he took, but he didn’t stop. He rushed all the way to Jongin’s room, fingers fumbling with the key.

Jongin was lying on his bed, eyes hooded but not quite closed. The blood on his hand somehow contrasted with everything white in the room. Kyungsoo looked away from that, as he moved forward until he saw standing next to the bed.

Jongin didn’t seem to have noticed that he had arrived. Or if he had, he didn’t seem to care. He was mumbling under his breath. Nothing Kyungsoo could make out.

He just stared down at the boy, his chest feeling heavy all over again.

So it had nothing to do with how familiar he was to the person. It wasn’t triggered by memories of the old treatments.

Kyungsoo felt defeated, as he stared down at Jongin’s face. His eyebrows were twitching every now and then and his eyelids were fluttering.

Kyungsoo put a hand on his forehead and at the touch Jongin’s eyes opened a bit more. They were the same, pretty brown eyes he loved looking at so much. Somehow dazed, though. Clouded.

“You should sleep,” Kyungsoo said quietly.

“I can’t sleep now.”

It seemed to take Jongin a lot of effort to barely mumble out the words.

“Why not?”

Jongin barely lifted his hands a little, eyebrows twitching at the sight of Jongdae’s blood on his fingers. He looked scared, as he just shook his head slowly.

“He’s waiting for me to fall asleep.”

“Who is?”

Jongin just shook his head again under Kyungsoo’s palm. He had his lips pursed.

He was barely keeping his eyes open, but it seemed like that’s what he was putting all his effort in – staying awake.

Kyungsoo waited, but he received no answer. Jongin was shaking.

And the doctor really did feel defeated.

Maybe this was his own breaking point. The point where he realized that despite all the books, despite all the years studying, despite everything he’d never be able to understand what was going on in Jongin’s mind.

He let his hand slide off Jongin’s forehead and he headed for the door.

He threw a quick look back to Jongin.

His eyes were still wide open, even as he left the room.

* * *

“I hurt someone, didn’t I?”

Jongin didn’t even wait for a greeting. As soon as he saw Kyungsoo entering the room the next day, he fired the question.

His face was puffy, as if he had been crying. There were dark circles under his eyes. Had he really not slept at all?

Kyungsoo raised his hands.

“Calm down,” he said quietly, looking at Jongin and making sure he was at least trying to regulate his breathing.

He didn’t speak until Jongin was sitting down on the bed again, breathing heavily.

“Please,” the man almost begged, voice broken. “Please tell me.”

“You don’t remember what happened?” Kyungsoo asked, eyebrows furrowing.

Jongin shook his head, barely keeping his cries in.

“No. I just-…I just remember the blood. There was blood on my hands.”  Jongin looked scared. Absolutely terrified. “Did I hurt you?!”

The mechanisms in Kyungsoo’s brain were turning way too quickly.

It wasn’t the first time Jongin couldn’t remember something he had done. Not the first time he didn’t remember the moments he tried attacking others.

It was definitely no coincidence. Kyungsoo pursed his lips, as he looked at Jongin.

A rather disturbing thought crossed his mind for a moment, but he immediately dismissed it.

Instead, he shook his head with a little smile.

“You didn’t hurt me,” he said. “But you did hurt Jongdae.”

“Oh, no,” Jongin whispered in absolute terror, the guilt on his face deeper than any emotion Kyungsoo had ever seen on a person. “Is he alright?!”

“He is fine.” Kyungsoo said, deciding to not mention the chopsticks at all. “Please, calm down, Jongin.”

Jongin, however, seemed to get even more disturbed by the second. He started crying again and Kyungsoo wasn’t sure why exactly he was crying, but he saw him raising his hands again, pulling on his hair.

“He’s not going to stop, is he?” Jongin was mumbling. “He won’t stop.”

Kyungsoo felt the need to reach out and comfort Jongin, so he did. He just rested his hand on his shoulder as the other man cried.

He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything.

* * *

In the next few days he witnessed the dark circles under Jongin’s eyes only deepening. Every time he went to pick him up for this art therapy, or to make sure he had food on Tuesdays and company on any other day, he’d see his face getting thinner and the darkness under his eyes intensifying.

He heard Jongin mumbling a lot of times. It was always the same thing, over and over again.

Quiet, distressed whispers about someone trying to kill him. About someone chasing him. About someone threatening him.

The first time Kyungsoo had asked, Jongin had just started shaking.

So he hadn’t dared to bring it up ever since then.

However, as he walked in Jongin’s room that day and saw Jongin digging his fingers into his head, an absolutely horrified glint in his eyes, Kyungsoo couldn’t help himself.

He moved closer to the hospital bed, the mumbles sounding clearer from this close.

“-he’s just waiting. Waiting to kill me.” Jongin was saying quietly, shaking back and forth. “I can’t hide anymore. He will find me.”

He sat down in front of Jongin, who didn’t seem to register his presence at all.

“Who is?”

The man just kept shaking, repeating the same thing over and over again.

 _Disorganized speech_ , Kyungsoo frowned, yet another symptom of his illness. The illness that was rooting itself so deeply in Jongin’s head, that it was almost impossible to escape its firm grasp anymore.

“Jongin?”

Jongin stopped shaking then. He looked up towards him and Kyungsoo felt his breath hitching.

There was something very different about the glint in Jongin’s eyes. Something very chilling.

His gaze was filled with that same anger from before.

Kyungsoo couldn’t react fast enough when Jongin lunged forward with a vicious growl and fingers twisted like claws aiming straight for his neck.

All he could see was the way Jongin bared his teeth as he growled in his face and his fingers tightened around his neck while he struggled to get away.

His mind couldn’t even register the need for oxygen – the crazy look in Jongin’s eyes was all he could think about.

Until suddenly those hands weren’t on his neck anymore, until suddenly Jongin’s face wasn’t just in front of his.

Kyungsoo choked on the air he needed so much, hand flying up to touch his neck. He looked up to see Chanyeol holding Jongin back.

Surprisingly, Jongin wasn’t struggling in his arms.

Instead, he seemed to calm down as he stared at Kyungsoo, his eyes clearing up and realization slowly rooting on his face. Until Kyungsoo could only see a flash of an apologetic glint, before Chanyeol dragged him even further back.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kyungsoo hesitated in front of the door, hand pressed against the metal. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears.

But the curiosity won over him. The concern did.

He was worried about Jongin. He was worried about that downward spiral he seemed to be in.

Kyungsoo let out a heavy breath and made sure the collar of the shirt he was wearing was covering the ugly bruise on his neck. He didn’t need Jongin to see that.

He didn’t want to trigger him. He didn’t want to make him feel guilty.

He didn’t want to see him cry.

When he was absolutely sure that everything was covered and that Chanyeol was still firmly standing in the hallway, he pushed the door open.

The little creak of old metal and wood announced his arrival.

He wasn’t surprised when Jongin immediately straightened up in the bed. He wasn’t surprised to see his face immediately morphing into a mask of regret and sorrow. After all, last night too he had seen that clarity in Jongin’s eyes – even if it had only been for a moment. Just for one, short moment, Jongin had realized what he had done.

So Jongin remembered. And judging by how his lips quivered, he was about to say something. Apologize maybe.

But Kyungsoo froze in his track as he saw something else.

Not Jongin’s quivering lips, not the horribly dark circles under his widened in remorse eyes.

Jongin’s arms were what caught his attention. Or rather, the strikingly red traces of blood on the sleeves.

Kyungsoo felt his heart clenching in horror. That was not Jongdae’s blood. The attendants had cleaned Jongin after the accident last night, they had changed his clothes and sheets.

It was not Jongdae’s blood, he was sure. But if it wasn’t Jongdae’s blood and if nobody else had visited Jongin since last night…

“What did you do?” Kyungsoo let out a shattered breath as he forgot all intentions of his to stay still and not surprise the patient.

Instead, he walked straight towards Jongin’s bed, reaching out to grab his hands before he could pull them back and try to resist.

Kyungsoo sat down next to him, holding firmly onto Jongin’s hands, despite feeling the boy’s somewhat weak attempts to hide the blood stains. He pushed one of the boy’s sleeves up.

 “Oh, Jongin,” Kyungsoo sighed, unable to hold his expression blank. He was pretty sure he looked just as shocked as he felt.

His eyes traced down the ugly lines marring the skin all the way down to Jongin’s wrists, where he was holding him. He let go of one of his hands to touch Jongin’s palm then, to unfold his fingers.

His fingernails were dirty with blood and long enough to have broken through the skin.

Kyungsoo shook his head in disbelief, eyes glassing over the bloody trails. He ran his finger on the side of the patient’s arm, not close enough to the scratches to cause him any pain.

“Why did you do this to yourself?” Kyungsoo asked, finally looking up to Jongin’s eyes. The patient was already looking at him and his eyes were watering.

“I-…I couldn’t let myself fall asleep.” Again. Kyungsoo pursed his lips and shook his head at that reply. Jongin just trembled. “I can’t fall asleep. If I do, he’ll kill me.”

“Who’s gonna kill you?” Kyungsoo asked and as expected, Jongin started shaking harder then. He just kept shaking his head, lips gradually pulling back as he tried to contain the cries and the sobs.

Kyungsoo let out a breath and looked down to Jongin’s arms again. His heart felt heavy.

“Chanyeol!” Jongin looked up and Kyungsoo just squeezed his hand comfortingly. He didn’t pull back. Not even when the attendant immediately appeared at the door, looking alarmed.  “Chanyeol, can you please bring me disinfectant and bandages?”

Chanyeol looked down to Jongin’s arms then, eyebrows immediately furrowing at the sight. He stared for a couple of seconds, before he wordlessly nodded and left the room.

“Jongin, listen to me,” Kyungsoo said as soon as he knew Chanyeol was no longer in front of the door. He held Jongin’s hand between his, feeling the other’s warm skin. “You need to tell me who it is that is trying to kill you.”

Jongin let out a sob then, as he shook his head.

“Jongin, please. If you don’t tell me then I can’t help you.” Kyungsoo squeezed his hand. “I _want_ to help you.”

“I-…I-“ Jongin took a sharp breath, his entire body shaking in fear, as he shook his head yet again. He looked distressed and Kyungsoo supposed that maybe it was not a good idea to start provoking such thoughts when he was all alone with him. However, for some reason, he wasn’t afraid. He just held Jongin’s hand, thumb running over his knuckles. More than anything else, he was concerned. “He’s horrible, Kyungsoo. He is gruesome. He hurts people without even hesitating. And he is waiting for me to be vulnerable, he’s waiting for me to be weak so he can kill me.”

Kyungsoo was thinking silently, hand never dropping the other man’s.

“That’s why I can’t sleep,” Jongin’s voice dropped to a mere whisper. “I am scared to sleep.”

Kyungsoo looked up, eyes staring right at Jongin’s.

Delusions.

So many delusions, yet somehow Jongin seemed convinced that it was all real.

And what if it was, Kyungsoo wondered as he narrowed his eyes the slightest bit, as if trying to read Jongin’s mind.

What if he had nightmares? What if he had made up this figure who was trying to kill him?

What if that fear of the dark and the unknown were night terrors or insomnia, sleep disorders. That wouldn’t be uncommon for someone with schizophrenia.

Kyungsoo felt tired, so many thoughts running through his mind. He squeezed Jongin’s hand in his again and shuffled closer to him on the bed.

“Who is he?” Kyungsoo asked yet again, the sad glint in Jongin’s eyes brighter than anything. “Tell me. Please.”

Jongin wasn’t shaking now. Instead, he just stared at him, eyebrows twitching. He was blinking quickly – way too quickly. He looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown.

He ended up hanging his head low, taking several deep breaths that made his shoulders raise.

“Do you trust me?”

Kyungsoo was a little taken aback by the question and by the solemn tone of Jongin’s voice. Hope was lacing every syllable.

He stared at Jongin slowly raising his head to reveal those pretty eyes, wide with anticipation. Yet troubled, as if he was afraid of Kyungsoo’s reply.

The doctor took a moment to just stare at him, every second he looked at that beautiful, tired face just tugging on his heartstrings.

It was then that he realized, that yes.

Yes, he trusted Jongin.

Because in the last months he had gotten to know him and he knew that behind the mask of crazy he was the sweetest, most beautiful and sincere creature in this world. There was nothing bad about him.

And Kyungsoo trusted him.

And he wanted to help him.

He wanted to help him more than anything in the world.

“I do.”

There was a faint smile on Jongin’s lips, before it disappeared again, replaced by the nervous trembling. Jongin parted his lips, taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes and just breathed and Kyungsoo looked at him.

He never let go of his hand, not even for a moment.

Not until Jongin had stopped shaking and he hesitantly opened his eyes.

The beautiful, warm brown that Kyungsoo loved so much.

His voice was hoarse and quiet as he spoke, dripping with barely concealed fright.

“ _His name is Kai_.”

* * *

It was quiet in the room, and all they could hear was each other’s quiet breathing and the sound of the nail clippers.

Kyungsoo was sitting so close to Jongin he could practically feel his breath. He didn’t budge though.

He didn’t move and he didn’t let go of the boy’s hands until he made sure his nails were clipped and he couldn’t hurt himself anymore.

His hand ran over the bandage when he was ready, securely wrapped around Jongin’s wounds to keep them safe and clean.

“There,” Kyungsoo sighed, finally looking up to Jongin’s face. The other one was looking at him and their faces were so close that Kyungsoo felt his breath hitching for a moment. His own voice faltered to a whisper. “All done.”

He didn’t know why he didn’t pull back immediately. He just stared at Jongin’s beautiful eyes for a few long seconds, before he remembered who he was. Before he remembered where they were.

Before he remembered who Jongin was.

He cleared his throat and smiled.

“You really should try sleeping tonight,” Kyungsoo attempted as cheerfully as could. By the darkening look in Jongin’s eyes, however, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He was still scared. “You need sleep to gain strength, you know. If you sleep, you will be stronger. You will heal quicker and you can spend more time in the art room. If you sleep you will have strength for more things. I can show you the music room, the dancing room. I can show you the gardens.”

Jongin was soaking up every word, the expression on his face somehow dreamy as he listened to everything Kyungsoo was saying.

But then he abruptly frowned again, shaking his head.”

“I can’t. He’s just waiting for that.”

Kyungsoo held in the sigh.

Hallucinations – auditory and visual, vulgar, abusive and critical.

Jongin had given a name to his fears. _Kai_.

And he didn’t seem to be able to shake that away.

Kyungsoo just reached out to push a lock of hair out of Jongin’s face.

“What if I stay here?”

“What?”

“I can stay here,” Kyungsoo repeated. “I’ll stay here with you all night long while you sleep.”

 Jongin’s eyes were wide again and Kyungsoo’s heart truly broke at the sight.

Every time Jongin looked at him like that – with gratitude, with that soft, yet so sad glint in his eyes – he realized that he had gotten used to having nothing. He had gotten used to the cold behaviour of everybody around him.

He had forgotten what it was like to have someone there for you.

So Kyungsoo just smiled instead of waiting for a reply and he shifted on the bed.

He turned around, resting his back against the head post of the bed and raising his legs on the mattress – all but his feet, that were dangling off the edge. He patted the pillow then and Jongin’s eyes widened even more as he looked down towards it.

He seemed to take the hint because Kyungsoo watched him slowly lying down in his own bed, head resting on the pillow right next to Kyungsoo.

The doctor saw him looking up hesitantly and then he felt a hand clutching on the fabric of his shirt, at the very end of it, tugging lightly. Jongin was holding onto his clothes, fingers tightly wrapped around the fabric as he looked up at him.

Kyungsoo just smiled, trying not to let the sadness show in his eyes.

He put his hand on Jongin’s head and ran his fingers through his soft hair once. Twice. Three times, until it became just a motion, an action of comfort.

“Sleep,” Kyungsoo whispered quietly in the dark room, fingers caressing Jongin’s face. “I’m here. I won’t let anybody hurt you.”

He didn’t stop running his fingers through Jongin’s hair until he finally saw his eyelids sliding shut and the tight grip of his fingers on his shirt loosening.

And even then, even when Jongin fell asleep, Kyungsoo didn’t move. He had promised, after all.

Instead, he leaned his head back until it hit the cold, white wall.

And he just breathed out.

* * *

Jongin seemed to be rather uncertain as Kyungsoo pushed him towards the door.

The dancing therapy hall was big and there was music to be heard all the way from the hallway.

Jongin looked like a scared, cornered rabbit as they walked down to the second floor and Kyungsoo realized that he had possibly not been on this floor a lot. All his treatments had been restricted to the third and fourth floor.

So he made sure to stay by his side as Jongin hesitantly stepped into the hall.

There were other patients there, dancing with each other or with the attendants. There were people laughing and there were some older patients just sitting on the chairs by the walls.

Kyungsoo didn’t move his eyes away from Jongin and the way he took everything in – he didn’t know how long it had been since Jongin had been surrounded by that many people. He worried briefly that Jongin might be uncomfortable here, with all these people.

However, the moment he blinked quickly, a certain shine in his eyes as he took everything in, Kyungsoo relaxed.

Jongin seemed to be too shy to actually join everybody else in the middle of the room dancing. Instead, he stuck to the wall and he eventually sat down in one of the chairs, the one furthest away from the other occupied chairs. Kyungsoo sat down next to him, a small smile on his face as he watched Jongin looking at all those dancing patients in bewilderment.

Kyungsoo leaned back, watching those beautiful eyes shining brightly as he watched the moving bodies in the room. As he noticed Jongin’s feet tapping the floor in rhythm with the music.

Jongin abruptly turned towards him, looking very confused.

“This is a type of treatment?”

“Yes.”

“And it’s not just…for fun?”

Kyungsoo looked at the patients. Everybody seemed to be smiling, everybody seemed to have a good time.

He smiled at Jongin.

“It’s called dancing therapy. It is very much a sort of treatment, but why should that mean it can’t be fun?”

Jongin let out a breath, eyes moving between the patients of the general ward and Kyungsoo. He ended up shaking his head in disbelief.

There was a look of longing on his face when he finally looked the doctor in the eyes.

“Kyungsoo?” he raised his eyebrows, indicating that he was listening. Jongin pursed his lips for a moment, looking down at his hands for a brief second, before looking up again. “I really like you.”

Kyungsoo blinked quickly. He straightened up in his seat without even realizing.

Jongin was giving him a sincere look and Kyungsoo knew this could not be happening. Yet, the warmth he felt spreading in his chest made him feel otherwise.

He was lost. He didn’t know how to reply to that. His mouth felt dry.

“You’re different from the other doctors,” Jongin continued then, saving him from his inner turmoil. His eyebrow twitched as he looked down at his hands. “The others…they hurt us. They think the pain will drive the madness away.”

Kyungsoo ran his tongue over his lips, unsure of what to say still. Trying not to let the hint of bitter disappointment take over.

He ended up forcing himself to stand up and to smile. He offered his hand to Jongin, who just looked up with his big, confused eyes.

“Do you want to dance?”

Jongin threw a look towards the middle of the room and all those people swaying to the music.

Then back to Kyungsoo who was still waiting with his arm stretched out in an invitation.

The doctor let his smile become smaller, a genuine feeling washing over him.

“I won’t hurt you.”

Jongin stared at him for a few moments, before he barely nodded.

“I know.”

His hand found its way into Kyungsoo’s and he let himself be pulled forward.

* * *

The next few weeks passed in a frenzy. Kyungsoo was getting busier in the general ward, work piling up to the point of him barely having the strength to change before going to bed.

The time just passed so quickly.

He spent a lot of time with Jongin too. Most of his time, actually. In his room, in the art hall, in the dancing hall.

Jongin was a great dancer. That’s what Kyungsoo had found out during those few weeks.

Once he had let go and actually started dancing like Kyungsoo had urged him to, he was great. His body was gracefully moving to the rhythm of the music playing from the vinyl. It was so beautiful, that Kyungsoo couldn’t keep his eyes away from him. Neither did the other patients.

Jongin seemed shy when the patients had clapped after the song had finished. He had lowered his head, barely containing the bright smile, before eventually returning to Kyungsoo’s side. Beaming.

He spent a lot of time with Jongin, watching him open up to him with every passing day.

Yet, in the dark evenings, some things would change.

He would still hear Jongin mumbling under his breath and frantically looking around his empty room. He would see those dark circles under his eyes every morning and his heart would break again and again. Jongin would still refuse to sleep, the distressed sentence rolling off his tongue over and over again. _He’s after me_.

Kyungsoo had stayed with him a few times during the long nights, just to make sure he was sleeping and not hurting himself yet again. He’d just sit next to him, feeling the warmth of Jongin’s body so close to his own. The feeling of his fingers clutching his clothes every now and then.

Every time he let out a sound during his sleep, every time his eyelids fluttered, Kyungsoo would immediately bring a hand down to caress his face, to run through his hair. To remind him he was there for him.

In those few weeks Jongin had opened up, but there were still times he would turn to Kyungsoo with that absolute and utter hatred and anger in his eyes. For brief moments, just to snap something, before going back to being the sweetest boy Kyungsoo had ever seen.

Eventually, Kyungsoo bought a plush toy. A brown teddy bear that reminded him of Jongin the moment he saw it in the store.

Eventually, he gave it to Jongin. Told him it would stay with him during the nights that he couldn’t stay with him. That it would protect him.

Jongin had almost started crying back then too, Kyungsoo’s heart shattering. At every single nice gesture, Jongin would become emotional and Kyungsoo wanted to change that. He wanted Jongin to remember what it was like to have someone care of you.

However, the days passed and the dark circles became even darker.

Until eventually, Kyungsoo walked into Jongin’s room one morning and found him on the floor.

His entire body was shaking in the corner of the room, he was kneeling.

He was crying.

When Kyungsoo approached him he realized Jongin was standing over a mess of plush and fabric.

A torn teddy bear.

And his tears wouldn’t stop. His cries were loud and desperate, so Kyungsoo just hurried to kneel down next to him, to comfort him.

Jongin eventually buried his face in Kyungsoo’s shoulder then and cried, his entire body shaking and his fingers digging into the fabric of the elder’s lab coat.

Kyungsoo just held him tightly.

* * *

Kyungsoo’s mind was troubled. From morning to evening, as he tried to figure out a pattern behind Jongin’s behaviour. A reason. Something.

 _Anything_.

Darker and darker ideas started emerging in his mind as he kept reading medical book after book, report after report from various hospitals.

The assumptions he had scared him.

He closed the book and stood up from his chair. His head was pulsing.  

He hurried down the hallway to the toilets for the staff members, almost bumping into a nurse. He mumbled an apology under his breath, as he pushed the doors open.

There didn’t seem to be anybody in here and Kyungsoo let out a heavy sigh. He leaned on the closest sink, the weight of everything feeling heavy on his shoulders.

Despite everything he read, despite everything he had witnessed, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Jongin as the beautiful man with the pretty eyes and soft lips.

Kyungsoo liked him, because he could see the kind and honest person that the boy was under all those layers of madness.

Even worse, Kyungsoo knew Jongin liked him too, because he was different. Because he could trust him. Kyungsoo didn’t know if it was because he was the only human being Jongin had really felt close to in years, or if he genuinely liked him. However, whatever it was, Kyungsoo could never miss Jongin’s small touches – Jongin leaning towards him, Jongin holding his hand firmly and following after him silently, Jongin touching his face lightly when they danced in the dancing therapy halls.

Those thoughts made Kyungsoo’s fingers curl around the corners of the sink, as he stared at his reflection in the mirror.

He drew a shuddering breath.

It was not the fact that he was falling for his patient that worried him most.

It was the possibility of someone else finding out. The possibility of another doctor finding out. Because then he wouldn’t be able to take care of Jongin anymore, they’d take him away from him.

And that’s what scared him most.

He let the water run and he leaned down, spraying his face with it.

It was cold and he shut his eyes tightly as he tried to gather his thoughts.

* * *

The garden behind the impressive building was just as beautiful as always. He could see several patients walking around with attendants by their sides, down the little alleys, between the flowers and around the little fountain.

It was a beautiful place.

An escape from the dreadful atmosphere of the asylum.

He knew he hadn’t been supposed to bring Jongin out here, especially without an attendant, but the look on the boy’s face was worth everything in the world.

He was smiling and looking around in amazement, leaning down to smell and touch the flowers. To exclaim excitedly whenever he saw a particularly pretty one, pointing it out to Kyungsoo immediately.

Kyungsoo just followed after him quietly, for once being the one to keep up with Jongin’s pace. He talked to him cheerfully and it made him happy that Jongin was smiling and laughing.

He would make sure to bring him down here again sometime.

Kyungsoo almost bumped in Jongin’s back because he didn’t expect him to abruptly stop in his track. He blinked quickly, putting a hand on Jongin’s back and moving to the side.

Jongin’s face was suddenly serious, no trace of the smiles from moments ago. He was staring ahead of them and Kyungsoo followed his gaze towards the fountain and the little benches on the side of the alley.

There was a patient sitting there and an attendant by his side. He was reading him a book.

Kyungsoo pursed his lips when he looked back to Jongin.

The serious expression was starting to crack with guilt.

He looked down towards Kyungsoo with worry all over his features. He barely raised his hand towards the bench.

“…can I?”

It took Kyungsoo a few moments to realize that Jongin was asking him if he could go there. He gave him a curious look, but eventually nodded.

“Go ahead.”

He stayed a few steps back as he watched Jongin hesitantly walking forward.

The attendant looked up from the book when he sensed Jongin approaching him. Kyungsoo couldn’t tell from that far behind what they were saying, but he knew Jongin’s behaviour by heart at this point.

He knew the moment he saw him shaking like a leaf, the moment his fingers started fidgeting with his sleeves and the moment he saw his lip trembling – he was apologizing.

Kyungsoo moved his eyes to attendant.

Jongdae was listening to everything Jongin had to say, and eventually a little smile broke out on his face and he reached out with his hand to pat Jongin’s head.

Jongin seemed to give a shaky smile before Jongdae patted his head again and smiled at him widely.

The attendant, however, immediately looked around. Obviously surprised to see Jongin in the garden. The moment his eyes found Kyungsoo a few meters away, he seemed to calm down.

Kyungsoo took that as a cue to approach them. Jongin, thankfully, wasn’t shaking anymore, but his eyes were still very much focused on the bandage on Jongdae’s arm. Before kyungsoo could interfere, the patient from the bench raised his voice.

“Hey you!”

Kyungsoo turned to see Baekhyun, as loud as ever, pointing towards Jongin with his delicate finger.  Jongin seemed a tad taken aback when he realized he was talking to him.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. Be a sweetheart and gather some daisies for me, will you? I want to put them next to my bed.”

“Why can’t you do it yourself?” Kyungsoo asked before Jongin could even speak up. He raised one eyebrows at Baekhyun.

“Sprained my ankle. Jongdae had to carry me here.”

Kyungsoo looked at Jongdae, who just tried to shake his head as discreetly as possible. Kyungsoo would have scoffed, but suddenly Jongin was holding his hand tightly with two of his, a very excited glint in his beautiful eyes.

“We can pick the flowers here?” Jongin’s tone was so hopeful with the sincerity of a child and even if they weren’t allowed to do that, Kyungsoo would have said yes. He nodded wordlessly. Jongin only smiled widely. “Can I gather some daisies for me too then?”

Kyungsoo didn’t have the heart to deny that. He didn’t see a reason to. Instead, he reached out to run his hand down the side of Jongin’s face, as he nodded.

“Sure. Gather them from the garden around the fountain.”

Jongin nodded as he skipped towards the fountain, barely ten steps away from them. Close enough for Kyungsoo to both see him and hear him. Close enough for Kyungsoo to reach him in time in case anything happened.

He breathed out, as he sat down on the bench next to Jongdae and Baekhyun.

He watched Jongin squatting down and picking daisies and arranging them in his hand.

“You’re really lazy, you know that?” he raised his eyebrow at Baekhyun.

“Well he didn’t seem like he had anything better to do.” The patient pointed out, turning to look at Jongin picking flowers. “Who is he anyways? I don’t think I’ve seen him around in the general ward.”

Kyungsoo’s smile faltered at the question. Baekhyun didn’t need to know who Jongin was. He just remained quiet. Thankfully, Baekhyun didn’t seem interested enough either, as he returned to sunbathing on the bench.

Kyungsoo just breathed out, trying not to think about everything troubling him. He bumped Jongdae in the shoulder lightly instead.

“Thank you.”

Jongdae smiled, shaking his head.

“What for?”

“For being nice to him after everything that happened.” Kyungsoo nodded towards Jongin. “Not many are.”

Jongdae just smiled again, following Kyungsoo’s gaze to the patient.

“And they’re wrong,” Jongdae said. “It’s not his fault.”

Kyungsoo nodded. He was glad to have someone around here who seemed to agree with him. Someone kind enough to forgive Jongin. He wondered if it would be too much to ask Jongdae to come back to working with him and Jongin.

He shook his head, deciding not to think about this again.

Instead, he jugged his chin towards the book in Jongdae’s hands.

“What are you reading anyways?”

“Just some novel. _Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_.” Jongdae looked down at the book with a condescending smirk, before turning to look at Kyungsoo and shaking his head. “Just fiction.”

Kyungsoo, however, couldn’t quite smile with Jongdae. He felt himself stilling down at the mention of the name, all those reports flashing in his mind.

He looked towards Jongin and the way he was smiling at the flowers with the softest look in his eyes. The look of his eyes filled with anger appeared in his thoughts though, for the briefest moment and he felt himself straightening up.

He quickly blinked away, turning to Jongdae with a small, forces smile.

“Yeah,” he said quietly, voice sounding hoarse. “Just fiction.”

* * *

They were on their way back to the fourth floor, on the stairs, when Jongin stopped in his tracks.

Kyungsoo turned to look at him. Jongin was staring at the little bouquet of daisies he had gathered In the garden.

“Jongin?”

He blinked up to Kyungsoo then, quickly, and smiled. He looked shy and his cheeks seemed flushed, as he hesitantly reached out. He was holding the flowers in his hand and he was avoiding his gaze and Kyungsoo felt all the breath leaving him as he realized what Jongin was doing.

“For me?”

Jongin nodded hesitantly, and Kyungsoo just felt warmth in his entire body, all the way to his fingertips, as he reached out to take the flowers from Jongin’s hand. He stepped down then, one of his hands making its way to Jongin’s chin and pushing his face up so he could look him in the eyes.

“Thank you, Jongin,” he said softly. He meant it.

For someone like him, like Jongin, for someone who had nothing, willingly giving him those flowers must have meant everything. Kyungsoo couldn’t even stop himself from smiling.

He picked one of the daisies from the little bundle and raised his hand to put the delicate flower behind Jongin’s ear, in his soft hair.

Jongin smiled softly too.

“Oh?” Kyungsoo startled at the sound of the oh-so-familiar voice. He stepped back just in time to see Junmyeon appearing on the top of the staircase with a bunch of papers in his hands. He seemed surprised. “What are you doing here?”

Kyungsoo was about to reply, to explain that he had taken Jongin out to the garden, to make up excuses and hopefully not get scolded a lot.

However, he heard the even more familiar sound of Jongin’s breaths becoming heavy behind him.

He heard his breathing becoming irregular and he turned around just in time to see him shaking violently at the sight of _Doctor_ _Kim_.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo said quietly, reaching out to him immediately. “Listen to me. Everything’s alright. Everything’s fine.”

Jongin didn’t seem to be listening as his eyes wavered and his hands flew up to hold his head. He was shaking violently and Kyungsoo pursed his lips firmly.

“Jongin, listen to me. Listen to me. Nobody is going to hurt you. Jongin, I promise nobody will-“

“ _Shut up!_ ”

The kind look in those eyes was gone, nothing left from it – only the anger and all the issues Kyungsoo didn’t know how to fix.

Jongin was just standing there, that dreadful look in his eyes and his breathing still heavy. There was a different aura about him as he stood straight and proud, glaring.

Kyungsoo took one step down.

All those reports.

All those books.

 _It’s like it wasn’t him_ , Jongdae’s words rand in his mind and Kyungsoo let out a shattered breath.

“You’re not him.” Kyungsoo said quietly, almost too quietly. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “ _Kai?_ ”

A grin made its way to those beautiful, soft lips. A wicked grin as Jongin – _no, Kai_ \- stared at him with that hateful look.

Kyungsoo’s mind pulled a blank in that moment, all his thoughts clashing together. He didn’t even realize that the patient had lunged at him, his free hands taking a tight grip of his shoulders and violently pushing him against the wall.

He felt the pain in the back of his head at the collision and he immediately heard the commotion. He heard Junmyeon screaming out for help as he dropped those papers and ran down the stairs. He heard the attendants running in from both floors.

He heard those same screams he remembered hearing so many times before as Kai was dragged away from him.

He could see and hear everything, yet he couldn’t even bring himself to move.

Kyungsoo just collapsed on the stairs, the daisies spilling from his hand.

* * *

He woke up on a soft couch. He could feel a dull pain in the back of his head.

It took him a few moments to realize he was in Junmyeon’s office.

His entire body hurt as he pushed himself up to sit.

“Ah,” Junmyeon exclaimed lightly. “You’re awake!”

It took Kyungsoo about less than three seconds to remember where he had last been and what had happened.

His eyes widened, as he stared at the head doctor.

“Where is he?”

“Calm down,” Junmyeon said calmly. “He’s in his room.”

“Is he alright?”

Junmyeon gave him an odd look and Kyungsoo just withstood it.

“The questions is, are _you_ alright, Kyungsoo?” The physician frowned. “How’s your head?”

“I’m fine.”

Junmyeon just sighed at Kyungsoo’s tone. He blinked quickly, before looking back to his papers.

“He’s in his room. I had them give him double dozes of his medications, so he can stay calm for now.”

Kyungsoo stood up from the couch, the world spinning around him a little. He hoped Junmyeon hadn’t noticed him stumbling.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to see him.”

“No.” Junmyeon said in a tone that didn’t allow room for discussion and arguments. “Not now. You need to go home and rest.”

“But-“

“Kyungsoo. You’re in no condition to deal with that now.” Junmyeon sighed. “Don’t worry. I’ll be here. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Kyungsoo raised a hand to his forehead, all those thoughts still in his mind. Every single terrifying thought.

The look of those angry eyes flashed in front of his eyes and he frowned.

“Don’t do anything to hurt him,” Kyungsoo said quietly, one hand on the doorknob. “Please.”

Junmyeon’s eyes lingered on him for a few more seconds than usual.

Only when he finally nodded did Kyungsoo breathe out and escape the room.

* * *

Kyungsoo didn’t like the fact that upon arriving at work the next day, the ladies at the reception told him they were waiting for him at the meeting hall.

In all honesty, Kyungsoo had no time for this, whatever it was. He was supposed to already be up in Jongin’s room, making sure he was alright. He had been supposed to be there since last night.

He just set his jaw and walked down the hallway with quick steps, until he reached the door and pushed it open.

He wasn’t in the least bit surprised to see Junmyeon and Yixing sitting on the table.

“Good morning, Kyungsoo!” Junmyeon greeted him with a warm smile. “How’s your head feeling?”

“It’s alright.”

“Would you like a cup of coffee?” Yixing offered and Kyungsoo just shook his head.

“Thank you, but I’ll pass. I have to go check on my patients.”

“About that,” Junmyeon set his own cup down on the table. “Kyungsoo, I realize asking you to treat Jongin was too much. And about what happened yesterday, I am ready to take full responsibility for it.”

Kyungsoo remained silent, but his brain was sending warning signals.

“Don’t worry about yesterday,” Kyungsoo said as calmly as he could. “It was just an accident. An unfortunate accident.”

“An unfortunate accident that is bound to happen again,” Junmyeon said, a serious look in his eyes. “Please, Kyungsoo. Sit.”

He didn’t feel like he had a choice. Besides, if they were really going to talk about this now, then maybe it would be better to sit down.

“What does that mean, then?” Kyungsoo asked quietly, fearing the answers to his questions. “Does that mean you’re not letting me be his physician anymore?”

Junmyeon’s chuckle was eerie and light, as he shook his head.

“No, not at all,” the head doctor said. “I was just talking with Yixing about it. Jongin seems to have some sort of bond with you that didn’t exist between us. He seems to trust you. So no, I don’t want you to stop treating him.”

“Then what is this about?”

Kyungsoo didn’t miss the way the two doctors looked at each other, before Junmyeon eventually brought his hands together on the table.

“Kim Jongin proved to be a case way too hard for a single person to handle. Me and Yixing, as more experienced doctors in the field, will be stepping in to help you from now on.”

Kyungsoo didn’t like the sound of this. He didn’t like the sound of it at all, but he reminded himself to stay still.

At least they weren’t taking Jongin away from him.

He shifted in his chair in discomfort. He didn’t know how to even start telling them everything he had to say.

“Listen,” he started, before he remembers who he was talking about. He shut his eyes tightly for a moment. “Sir…I appreciate this. I truly do. But in the last few months that I got to work with Jongin, I have noticed certain…certain patterns in his behaviour. I mean no disrespect when I say this, sir, but he is afraid of you. He associates you with the pain from the convulsion therapy and the hydrotherapy.”

“Chanyeol has told me as much,” Junmyeon nodded. “I do not plan on doing any of this to him again. It has shown no result in the past, I doubt that would change now. Besides, you did ask me to not hurt him.”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrowed, as he looked at the two doctors.

“What does that mean then, sir?”

“I have given the attendants instructions to keep doubling his doses.” Junmyeon said firmly. “That way, we can prevent any more unfortunate accidents.”

Kyungsoo let out a breath, his fingers tightening into a fist under the table and his heart sinking to the floor.

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“Have you ever considered the possibility of Jongin being misdiagnosed?”

Kyungsoo looked at the way both Yixing and Junmyeon looked at him curiously, as if he had started speaking a different language. As if he was doubting their judgement.

“What do you mean?”

“Just…” Kyungsoo breathed in. “Maybe it is not schizophrenia we should be battling.”

Junmyeon set his coffee cup down, eyebrows furrowing lightly.

“All his symptoms lead to schizophrenia. Everything about his behaviour cements it.”

“But what if it is…not?”

Junmyeon and Yixing shared another look then, quite confused.

“What do you think it might be then, if not schizophrenia?” Yixing asked and Kyungsoo’s breath hitched again.

“I read about a few cases, from abroad, and I went back through all the books I have…there is an illness, sir, in which a single person develops multiple, distinct personalities.” Kyungsoo tried not to mind the way Junmyeon lowered his glass and gave him another strange look, as if he not only had started speaking another language, but as if he had just fallen from the sky. “I have been observing him for months, sir. He is the kindest, sweetest patient we have here. He is nothing like that other person who emerges and attacks people…they call it Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

“I _know_ what they call it,” Junmyeon said, shaking his head. “But, Kyungsoo, it has never been scientifically proven that such a disorder actually exists. It all leads back to schizophrenia. The delusions, the abnormal behaviour, the hostility.”

Kyungsoo was about to argue, but the look in Junmyeon’s eyes was soft, yet strong. His smile refrained him from speaking up.

“Those are just guesses, Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon continued. “Guesses of people who had no better explanations for their failed attempts to cure their patients. But we know what our patients need. We know his symptoms and we know what his illness is. And we know how to fight it, so that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

Kyungsoo’s jaw was set tightly, as he avoided Junmyeon’s gaze.

He took a few moments to calm himself down, before nodding stiffly.

“Is that all, sir?”

“I believe so, yes.”

“Can I go see him now?”

Junmyeon just raised his arm to the door.

“Of course you can.”

Kyungsoo stood up from the chair and headed straight for the door.

Just before he could push it open, though, Junmyeon’s voice resounded in the room.

“Kyungsoo?” he turned around to look at the main doctor, who just smiled at him encouragingly. “Don’t look so dejected. We _will_ fix him.”

* * *

The next few weeks were busy in the general ward. So much seemed to be happening.

Yet nothing was changing.

The only thing that was different was Jongin.

There was no small smile to greet him whenever he entered his room. There was barely anything. Just an acknowledging blink, at most.

The double dosage of his medication was causing this – the induced sedation, the forced state of calm. Just like they were trying to keep order in the general ward. Whenever he wasn’t forcefully put to sleep, he couldn’t do anything else.

Jongin was now no different from a corpse. A living corpse.

He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t move by himself.

He couldn’t eat and even when the attendants tried to feed him, he wouldn’t eat.

He couldn’t even talk.

And every morning Kyungsoo walked in and saw him in the same position as the night before, his heart would break a little more, as he would drag the chair closer to Jongin’s bed.

And he would sit there for hours, leaning on the bed and uttering apologies.

He would even cry.

And whenever he cried, Jongin would barely move his fingers to touch Kyungsoo’s hand. The smallest movement that seemed to be the hardest thing to do for him in those moments.

But once he managed to touch Kyungsoo’s hand, he didn’t move it away.

And Kyungsoo would just follow that little movement, that little sign that Jongin was still there, and he would cry even harder.

* * *

It was when Kyungsoo realized that Jongin’s jawline seemed sharper than before and that his cheeks were suddenly looking hollow, when he reached his breaking point.

“You’re wrong!” Kyungsoo raised his voice at Junmyeon, hoping that he would listen to him. “About everything.”

“Kyungsoo, I told you already, that is not-“

“You’re confusing depression for lack of emotional expression. You’re confusing anxiety and panic attacks with delusions and hallucinations.”

“He’s calm.” Junmyeon said firmly. “He’s getting better.”

“Getting better?” Kyungsoo let out a breath in disbelief, his fingers running through his hair in frustration. “Getting better?! Have you _seen_ him?” 

“Kyungsoo, you should-“

“You’re ruining him!” Kyungsoo almost spat out, thinking little of the consequences. He didn’t care about that at all. “You’re killing him. This isn’t the right treatment for his condition.”

“His condition is schizophrenia and-”

“It is _not_!”

Junmyeon finally looked up from his papers and gave him a hard look.

“Sit down.”

“I’m not gonna sit down until-“

“ _Sit down_.”

Kyungsoo froze at the tone of Junmyeon’s voice and at the hard look on his face. He slowly descended into the chair, until Junmyeon let out a heavy sigh. He looked so tired.

“Seven years ago I had a patient,” Junmyeon started quietly. “A patient, who had been diagnosed as bipolar. He would be happy on some days, completely out of it on other days. I was a young doctor back then, very much like yourself. And that was no heavy task, so the upper ups assigned him to me.”

Kyungsoo remained quiet, as he watched Junmyeon walk over to the window, starting towards the garden.

“I spent a lot of time with him. Too much time.”  Junmyeon’s eyes looked hazy, as memories rushed to him. His shoulders slouched a little. “I realized at some point that my patient wasn’t accepting food from anybody who wasn’t me. He didn’t let others touch him, he didn’t let others do anything for him. I didn’t understand it back then, but I also didn’t mind it. I spent all my time with him.”

The head doctor threw a look towards him.

“And when you spend so much time with someone, you are bound to start feeling closer. We’re just human, Kyungsoo, we can’t help it.”

Kyungsoo straightened in his seat, uncomfortable with the knowing glint in Junmyeon’s eyes.

“Why are you telling me this?”

The head doctor was silent for a moment, before he breathed in deeply.

“His name was Sehun. I was his closest friend in the whole hospital. And as time passed, I realized that _he_ was _my_ closest friend as well. No matter what I did, I always ended up thinking about him. Worrying about him. Had he eaten, had he slept well. At some point I started realizing that I was starting to like him as more than just a friend. More than a doctor should be allowed to like his patient.”

Kyungsoo definitely did not feel comfortable at this point. He tried to avoid Junmyeon’s eyes.

“Until one day everything changed. I had fallen sick, so I had called the hospital, letting them know I’d be unable to work. They called me on the very same day – Sehun had gone mad. He had started breaking things, he had started hurting people. He had been refusing to do anything, until I showed up. Ever since that day on, I realized just how dependant Sehun had become on me. Just how much he clung to my side, how he never let me out of his sight. It got so bad, to the point he couldn’t even stand me being away for over five minutes.”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked at Junmyeon smile sadly, as he looked towards him.

“You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”

“Obsessive compulsive disorder.” Kyungsoo croaked out unsurely and Junmyeon’s little, broken smile just confirmed it. “He was obsessed with you.”

“To the point he wouldn’t let me walk away sometimes. To the point he couldn’t handle being without me.”

“What happened to him?”

Junmyeon’s expression was unreadable, but the tragic glint in his eyes was unmistakable.

“He killed himself. On a day I was away. He thought I’d never return.”

There was silence in the room and Kyungsoo felt an unpleasantly bitter taste in his mouth.

“I am sorry.”

“I am too.” Junmyeon sighed, before turning towards him. “I told you all this because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. I know you care about Jongin. I don’t want you to lose him the way I lost Sehun. I had no one to help me back then. No one to tell me I was doing all the wrong things. But you have me and Yixing. We can help you.”

Kyungsoo was silent for a few moments, trying to gather his thoughts. He knew what the head doctor meant. That constant fear he had tugging on his heartstrings – the fear of losing Jongin. He knew that feeling all too well.

“If you really want to help me, then you would listen to me.” Kyungsoo said quietly. Maybe he was stepping over lines, as he looked at Junmyeon. “With all due respect sir, if you had had someone to help you before, if someone had trusted you that Sehun had been misdiagnosed, then maybe he would have been alive now.”

Junmyeon just stared at him, a very dark look in his eyes. Kyungsoo knew that look.

All those what-if’s going through his head. All that regret coursing through his veins. All that pain.

“Please,” Kyungsoo eventually begged. “He isn’t like this. This isn’t him. So please, don’t do it. Stop this madness.”

Junmyeon seemed to think about it for a few moments, before he lowered his head.

“Are you sure you want this?”

Kyungsoo’s nod was firm. He was sure. He wanted Jongin back.

His Jongin. The smiling, shy boy with the prettiest eyes.

Junmyeon just sighed out in defeat.

“Just make sure you can live with the consequences.”

* * *

Jongin still seemed to be weak and tired, as Kyungsoo walked in his room that day.

However, his eyebrows twitched in surprise and his lips pulled back in a tired smile when he saw him entering.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo whispered quietly, walking closer to Jongin’s bed with the boxes in his hands. He sat down on the chair as he watched Jongin trying to push himself up. He left the boxes on the bedside table, as he leaned forward to help Jongin sit up, putting the pillows behind his back to support him. He ended up staring at Jongin instead, his heart swelling at the fact that for the first time in weeks Jongin seemed to be aware of what was happening. “How are you feeling?”

“Awake.”

Kyungsoo smiled softly, his hand reaching forward to cup Jongin’s cheek and to run a thumb over his cheekbone lightly. He had missed talking to him.

“I’m sorry they did that to you,” Kyungsoo whispered quietly. “I tried to stop it. I really did.”

“Kyungsoo…”

“But it’s over now.” Kyungsoo sighed, his smile wavering as his eyes watered. He couldn’t tell what emotions he was feeling – the regret, the sadness and the hurt were mixing with the unexplainable happiness from seeing Jongin’s clear eyes.

It was Jongin’s hand that he felt on top of his then, his soft and warm skin as he leaned into his touch.

“You cried,” the patient whispered quietly. “I remember you crying.”

Kyungsoo bit on his lower lip, thinking of a way to dodge this conversation. Instead, he felt Jongn’s hand sliding up to his own face. Soft fingers touching his cheek lightly, like the touch of a feather.

“Please don’t cry,” Jongin said, a certain emotion in his voice. “I don’t want to ever see you sad again.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes started watering at the sole sound of this one sentence and at the caring look in Jongin’s gaze.

He thought it was ridiculous – he was supposed to be the strong one here. He was supposed to be comforting Jongin and being the pillar he needed for support.

Instead, here they were. Two broken pillars trying to hold each other up.

Kyungsoo let out a breathy chuckle, as he nodded. He reached out towards the boxes then and jongin’s hand slid off his face.

“Here,”  Kyungsoo carefully set one of the boxes in Jongin’s lap. “I stayed up last night to make this.”

Jongin curiously opened the box and looked at the food inside. Vegetables and steak, something he had probably not eaten in years.

It had been a long time since Jongin had eaten properly. He was afraid for him. Kyungsoo held his breath.

“But it’s not Tuesday?” Jongin looked up, eyes flashing towards the tray that was resting on the table – tomato soup and bread.

Kyungsoo just shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Kyungsoo pulled Jongin’s box then, cutting his steak in pieces with a knife he didn’t trust himself to let go of.

Jongin’s hands were shaky when he tried to eat, so Kyungsoo eventually took the chopsticks from his hands and started feeding him slowly.

And with every second that he spent with Jongin, his heart just eased up bit by bit, until all he could do was smile in relief at finally seeing Jongin looking like himself.

* * *

Jongin was weak for days after they had stopped the pills. It was hard for him to walk in the beginning, it was even hard for him to swallow his food.

But Kyungsoo never left his side, he helped him when needed and he kept him company. Anything to see that beautiful smile.

It was hard to not notice, though, that every time he walked in Jongin’s eyes were somewhat glazed until he saw him and brightened up.

It was hard to not notice how Jongin would get distracted every now and then, losing focus. His eyebrows would twitch then, he would stumble back.

It was definitely hard not to notice the quiet whispers whenever that happened. The quiet mumbles and the distressed chanting. The same thing, over an dover again. He’s coming.

Kyungsoo tried not to think about the fact that it was happening much more often now than it had before.

He tried not to think about the fact that despite all the smiles, Jongin was actually getting worse.

* * *

Chanyeol seemed to have noticed too. When he was bringing food to Jongin and when he was taking care of him, he seemed to have noticed too.

That’s how Kyungsoo found himself in Junmyeon’s office the following week, the head doctor looking positively authoritive as he stared at him from behind his massive desk.

“We can’t just continue doing nothing.”

“Then what do you suggest we do?” Kyungsoo frowned. “ You and Yixing won’t let him go out for walks anymore. You won’t let him join the other patients in the art and dance halls.”

“He poses a threat to the other patients, to the staff and to himself, Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon reasoned. “You know we cannot let him do that. Not anymore.”

“Then what do you suggest we do?” Kyungsoo’s voice was colder than the winter winds. “Because I am not going to let you inject him with Matrazol again or tie him in the bathtubs.”

Junmyeon didn’t seem to mind the fact that Kyungsoo was basically screaming at him, disrespectfully at that. He didn’t seem to care one bit, as he just brought his hands together on the table.

“I told you already, I do not plan on treating him with something that has shown no results in the past.”

Kyungsoo felt himself relaxing a bit at that. He stared at the head doctor instead. The look in Junmyeon’s eyes was unwavering.

“You told me you have read about the foreign cases of the dissociative identity disorder, didn’t you?” he asked him quietly and Kyungsoo nodded. “You see, I still don’t quite believe that’s what it is. But whether it is or not – the means to treat it are the same as treating a patient with very advanced schizophrenia.”

Kyungsoo felt his eyes narrowing.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Junmyeon leaned forward, raising his eyebrows. “ We have tried a lot of different treatments with Jongin. A lot, but not all.”

Kyungsoo’s mind was searching through the tons of volumes of information it stores, all the knowledge from all those years of studying. The means to treat schizophrenia were not that many.

And Junmyeon had already tried the drug induced convulsions, he had tried hydrotherapy. Kyungsoo had tried art and dance therapy.

They had tried almost everything.

But one thing.

He looked up, eyes suddenly wide.

“ _No_ ,” he shook his head, fists tightening at just the thought. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Kyungsoo-” the head doctor started but Kyungsoo just shook his head again, panic crawling at his chest.

“No. I promised not to hurt him. I promised not to let anyone hurt him.”

“Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon’s voice was compassionate, yet unyielding. He looked up to him with wide eyes, his hands shaking. Junmyeon just sighed. “It  is our last and only chance to help him.”

* * *

Jongin was reading a book that Chanyeol had brought him from the old asylum library and Kyungsoo was just half-sitting, half-lying down by his side, distractedly running his hands through the boy’s hair.

His entire chest was hurting as he looked down at his calm, concentrated face.

“Jongin?” he called out quietly, voice merely a whisper. The patient immediately looked up with wide eyes. Kyungsoo took a deep breath, as he straightened up a little and reached out to take the book from Jongin’s hands. He closed it slowly, as Jongin just furrowed his brows slightly and looked up again – this time, confused. “I need to tell you something.”

Jongin seemed to tense up at the sound of that and Kyungsoo looked down at his own hands to stop himself from staring at the boy, to stop his heart from shattering with every moment that passed.

It was silent for a few moments, as he searched for the right words.

“There is a…a decision the doctors made.” Kyungsoo said hesitantly. “A decision about you and your treatments.”

Jongin pursed his lips then and Kyungsoo just waited breathlessly for the younger to say something. When he didn’t, he took another deep breath and continued.

“There is a chance that this might help you. That this might actually work.”

They were silent for a little while and Jongin’s expression was unreadable. He was just staring at Kyungsoo silently and Kyungsoo was trying his best not to break.

Eventually, he watched Jongin lower his head and blink quickly a few times, before looking at him again.

“Is it the water?”

Kyungsoo shook his head.

“Is it going to hurt?”

Kyungsoo’s lips quivered. 

All the breath left him as he gathered the willpower to nod.

He saw the way Jongin blinked quickly and the way his shoulders tensed.

He saw the way he kept it all in, before he let out a breath and his entire body slouched in defeat. He looked so small. So tiny and scared.

“I’m so sorry,” Kyungsoo said and his voice broke, unable to contain the regret and the sorrow anymore. “Please don’t hate me.”

Jongin looked up then, and something glimmered in his eyes then. Something soft and apologetic, as he raised his hands.

It took Kyungsoo a few moments to realize that Jongin was pulling him slowly into a hug.

It took him a few moments to realize that it was all he needed at the moment, so when he did he moved forward and embraced Jongin in his arms. He rested his chin on Jongin’s broad shoulder and his fingers tightened around the fabric of Jongin’s shirt. He held onto him tightly and he felt Jongin’s arms wrapped around him securely.

He heard a quiet sigh right next to his ear.

“I could never.”

* * *

Kyungsoo was standing in the very corner. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to be here.

Yet, when Junmyeon had asked him, Kyungsoo had refused to wait outside. He would not leave Jongin. Never again.

But it was not easy to just stand there and watch the attendants strapping Jongin’s hands and legs tightly to the table with the leather belts, completely retraining him. It was not easy to watch Jongin’s breathing becoming heavier and deeper with every passing second. He was breathing through his nose, as if trying to keep himself strong. To keep himself brave.

Bracing himself for the pain to come.

“This is a mouth guard,” Junmyeon was explaining patiently, as he motioned towards the nurse. She brought down the leather piece to Jongin’s mouth and he looked at it with wavering pupils. “It’s to prevent you from biting your tongue or breaking your teeth. We don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Jongin seemed to shudder in his place, as he shot a quick look towards Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo tried not to break down when he saw the nurses and attendants forcing the guard piece into Jongin’s mouth, securing it tightly at the back of his head.  And then they were bringing the device to his head, placing each sponge on each side of his temple.

Even from here Kyungsoo could see Jongin shaking in fear as Junmyeon approached the machine.

“Ready?”

Jongin just threw another quick glance towards Kyungsoo, who found himself shaking as well.

A reply was not awaited and Kyunsoo’s mouth opened in a shocked, soundless cry as Jongin’s eyes shut violently and he bit down on the leather guard, as the electricity coursed straight through his brain and into his entire body. His entire body convulsed violently, only being held down by the restraints and the attendants’ hands.

The pained, muffled screams resounded in the entire left wing of the fourth floor and yet another bit of Kyungsoo’s heart shattered.

* * *

Jongin didn’t remember the treatment.

Supposedly, that was normal for the patients who underwent the Electroshock Therapy and Kyungsoo knew that. Yet he couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of the other guy.

The one hiding in Jongin, the one messing him up from the inside.

Kyungsoo didn’t leave him for even a minute the rest of that day.

He was more upset than Jongin.

Because unlike the patient, he remembered the therapy. He remembered the way Jongin’s entire face has twisted in a pained grimace, he remembered the way he had screamed and the way he had struggled against the restraints. And it was painful. Both for Jongin and him. He couldn’t bear to watch it.

Jongin, on the other side, seemed to be quite cheerful. He was looking at him with a wide smile and with twinkling eyes and despite everything, Kyungsoo felt warmth spreading in his chest.

“How are you feeling?”

“Great,” Jongin replied with another smile. “Everything feels really…light.”

“That’s good.”  Kyungsoo tried to force a smile, he tried to not think about the therapy and about the pain on Jongin’s face. Instead, he tried to focus on the smiling man in front of himself. “Is there anything you want to do?”

Jongin seemed to hesitate as he looked at the doctor.

“I want to hold your hand.”

Kyungsoo let out a little breathless laugh.

Even now, even after all this time Jongin managed to surprise him.

“Why?”

“Because you look upset.” Jongin said quietly and sincerely, stretching his hand out. “Can I?”

Kyungsoo sniffed quietly, slowly putting his hand in Jongin’s larger palm and feeling those warm fingers against his skin.

It was good like this. With Jongin’s hand in his and with Jongin’s eyes gleaming happily, he felt content.

In this one short moment, everything was good.

* * *

It seemed like time was flying, the weeks just passing.  The good moments gone in the blink of an eye until Kyungsoo found himself in that dreadful room again, looking at Jongin’s scared eyes before another shock of electricity coursed through him.

Jongin seemed to have started forgetting other things as well, not just the therapy he was going through. It was starting out as little things.

He’d ask where he was when he woke up, he’d ask why he was here.

Kyungsoo tried to stay calm and reply to his questions carefully. He stood by jongin’s side for hours, until those memories started coming back. Until Jongin would hold his hand tightly again and not let go for hours.

But with the weeks progressing and the count of the electroshock therapies rising, Jongin seemed to forget more and more.

‘ _Who am I_ ,’  he had asked one day and Kyungsoo had had to look away to hide the tears brimming his eyes. _‘Who are_ you _?’_

It was scary.

Absolutely horrifying.

He would shake in fear until the memories slowly returned to Jongin, bit by bit and he turned into his smiling treasure again. The prospect of Jongin forgetting himself scared him. What scared him even more was the prospect of Jongin forgetting him.

“It’s normal,” Junmyeon told him a few days later, dismissing his worries. “Retrograde amnesia is normal after the treatment. The important thing is he’s getting better.”

But he wasn’t.

Kyungsoo could see that. There were still dark circles under his eyes and there were still those mumbles under his breath. Still that scared look in his eyes, the flinching. It was all still there.

And Kyungsoo just didn’t know what to do anymore.

* * *

There was an unusually sombre look on Jongin’s face.

The doctor squeezed his hand lightly to attract his attention. It worked, Jongin looked towards him, and Kyungsoo smiled.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Jongin was quiet. Too quiet, as he just looked at Kyungsoo’s face with a rather earnest glint in his eyes.

Jongin raised his hand slowly then, fingers moving from Kyungsoo’s nose to his lips and jawline, a feathery touch, a touch that made the doctor shiver.

His fingers traced his skin lower then, to his neck. That’s where they stopped and Jongin let out a heavy sigh.

He was staring at Kyungsoo’s neck and the doctor felt his eyebrows twitching. He squeezed Jongin’s hand yet again.

“What is it?”

“I’m just scared.” Jongin mumbled out at last, voice low and sincere. “I am scared he will try hurting you again. I don’t know how long I can keep him away.”

Kyungsoo felt like his entire body was on fire upon hearing those words, like every part of him was melting as he just looked at Jongin.

The sweetest, kindest person he had ever met.

He let go of his hand to instead cup his cheeks with both hands, holding Jongin’s face between his palms. The entire world in his grasp.

“You’re strong,” Kyungsoo said, looking straight into Jongin’s eyes. “You’re stronger than him.”

They stood silently like this for a few moments, a few very long, very intense moments.

Kyungsoo felt Jongin’s hand sliding behind his neck, he felt him leaning closer.

He could feel his breath on his skin.

Jongin kissed him them. A light touch of their lips, as light as the feathery touches of Jongin’s fingers on his face. So light.

Yet it made Kyungsoo’s entire world spin.

He didn’t even think about pulling back. Instead, he drew a shaky breath as he looked up to see Jongin’s eyes, glimmering with something new. He was looking at him questioningly and Kyungsoo felt his heart swelling again.

 _Yes_ , he nodded, and Jongin’s lips were back on his again then.

Just as soft as he had imagined them to be, just as sweet.  

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and he pulled Jongin even closer.

In this moment, in this very second, nothing else mattered. Just them.  

* * *

And the weeks just continued flying by with the blink of an eye. The weather was starting to get colder, the flowers in the gardens of St. Martin’s were starting to die and Kyungsoo would stare out and see the leaves falling to the ground with every stronger push of the wind.

And everything seemed to fade.

The golden color of the trees. The brightness of the sun.

Minseok’s sanity.

Jongin’s memories.

It was getting worse. With every treatment, it would take longer and longer until he remembered who he was, until he remembered why he was there, until he remembered why Kyungsoo was holding his hand so tightly without letting go.

The night terrors were increasing in those moments of absolute loss, the mumbling was almost constant until Jongin would remember everything.

And when he did, he would look up to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo would pretend he didn’t see the dark circles under Jongin’s beautiful eyes.

He would smile and he would pretend that everything was alright.

He would hold Jongin close without letting him go. Day after day.

And then he would kiss him.

Those little moments, they were the ones Kyungsoo cherished most. The little moment sin which Jongin was _Jongin_ , in which he could talk to him, smile with him. Hold him. Love him.

But it seemed, the more time was passing, it was becoming harder and harder.

Those moments, too, seemed to fade.

* * *

The sky was already dark and the only light in the room was somehow dim.

Jongin’s dark circles weren’t as visible in this light. His skin looked beautiful, his eyes and his parted lips were beautiful. _He_ was beautiful.

His head was resting in Kyungsoo’s lap and his eyes were still wide open.

Once again, he was unable to sleep.

Kyungsoo’s fingers ran through his hair in comfort.

“I can give you a shot if you want,” Kyungsoo offered quietly. “To sleep.”

Jongin just shook his head, as he let out a little sound and crawled closer to Kyungsoo, to lie next to him.

“Can you stay with me?”

Kyungsoo thought it was ridiculous of Jongin to even ask. He wasn’t going anywhere.

He just raised a hand to push Jongin’s hair out of his eyes and to then trace a finger down his nose. Over his lips.

He nodded.

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin’s voice was silent and shaky. “Do you remember when I told you I liked you?”

The doctor nodded absentmindedly.

He watched Jongin raising his hand to grab his.

“I was wrong back then,” the patient said and Kyungsoo shot his eyes up to see the most genuine, most scared look he had ever seen in Jongin’s eyes. “I think I love you.”

Kyungsoo’s breath hitched at that and his heart leaped in his chest.

Everything came crashing down as he looked at Jongin’s eyes again, as he was suddenly very aware of how close he was, of how warm his hand was against his own, of how gorgeous he was. How precious he was.

“I think,” Kyungsoo whispered, unable to stop the little smile that pulled his lips. “I think I love you too.”

And Kyungsoo knew that he meant it with his entire being. He just held Jongin close then, not even kissing him, not even caressing him, not even looking at his eyes.

He just pulled him closer and held him in a tight embrace. Until he felt Jongin eventually wrapping his hand around his waist.

He didn’t know if they had stood like this for moments or for hours, days, centuries.

All he knew was that at some point he felt Jongin trembling in his arms, shaking lightly.

“Is everything alright?”

“Something just doesn’t feel right tonight.” Jongin just clutched his clothes and held him even closer. “I am scared.”

“He won’t hurt you.” Kyungsoo said quietly, a mere whisper. “Not while I’m here.”

“Do you promise?”

Kyungsoo buried his face in Jongin’s hair and kissed his head lightly.

“I promise.”

* * *

The entire process was just as painful as before.

Jongin’s muffled screams sounded louder than ever, more piercing. It made Kyungsoo’s heart ache.

He looked away from the convulsing body on the table, he looked away until those screams started fading.

Until he himself wasn’t shaking as violently.

Until he finally dared to look up and saw Jongin lying down on the table calmly. The attendants were removing the shock device from his head and they were untying the restrains on his arms and legs.

Junmyeon was giving quiet instructions to one of the nurses about the dosages of his medications.

Kyungsoo ignored all that, though, as he dragged himself forward, legs feeling week.

He immediately took hold of Jongin’s hand in his own, noting the way his eyelids fluttered and the way his eyebrows furrowed.

He just stood there, waiting for Jongin to regulate his breathing. He wondered how long he’d have to wait this time before he saw his favourite smile in the world.

Jongin opened his eyes then, slowly, and he looked at him.

And in that moment, Kyungsoo realized that something was wrong.

There was a different glint in Jongin’s eyes and Kyungsoo couldn’t quite put his finger on it for a few moments.

Until Jongin’s lips pulled back in a smirk and that glint in his eyes just intensified.

As he grinned at Kyungsoo, a malicious twist of his lips.

Kyungsoo could feel the blood leaving his face, he could feel the entire world spinning around him, when he felt the fingers of the hand he was holding digging into his own tightly and painfully.

 _Something just doesn’t feel right tonight_ , Jongin’s words from last night echoed in his head. _I am scared._

Kyungsoo shuddered as he looked down at the boy with shaking pupils, at that steadily darkening look in his eyes and those lips that just pulled further back into a grim leer.

There was a satisfied expression on Kai’s face as his lips parted to release a harsh, piercing laugh. A dreadful sound that pierced right through Kyungsoo.

He pinned those dark, vicious eyes on him again. He smirked again and when he spoke, his voice was slow and hoarse.

“ _You killed him_.”

* * *

* * *

* * *

The year is 2018.

Everything has changed in the past eighty years.

The once prestigious mental institution is now a forgotten and miserable wreck.

People don’t approach the grounds anymore. There’s nothing to do there, nothing to see. Only remains from the once impressive and majestic building.

There are rumours, though, town stories.

That in the darkest and deepest hours of the night you can hear ghostly laughter in the hallways. Promises being spoken and broken.

There are rumours that you can see the silhouette of a patient grinning unpleasantly.

That you can see him lighting a match.

Rumours that you can see the asylum being engulfed by the flames that ended it, that you can see the silhouettes of doctors and attendants running to escort the patients out.

 

All but one.

 

Rumours say, that you can still see the doctor standing in front of the mad patient with the grin.

That you can still see him standing there, letting the flames engulf them both.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading this. I have been planning this fic for months and it was really hard for me to write, but I am glad I was able to finish it.
> 
> I would really appreciate it if you would tell me what you think ^^
> 
>  
> 
> twitter: jongnugget

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think, it would mean so much!


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